Solving the Society Polarization Issue

Emily Litella, we need your help now, more than ever.

I was a sophomore in high school when Saturday Night Live (SNL) debuted way back in 1975. Therefore, it’s no surprise that its brand of sophomoric humor appealed to me and my classmates. We were probably not diehard viewers when it premiered, but I can attest that, by the end of that first season, which concluded in July, 1976, we curtailed our Saturday night shenanigans and were parked in front of a television set at 10:30 p.m. (CST), when the show aired.

Gilda Radner, an original SNL cast member, portrayed a character named Emily Litella, an elderly woman with a hearing problem, who often joined the faux news segment, Weekend Update, hosted during that first season by Chevy Chase, offering an opinion (Op/Ed) segment. The bit entailed Emily Litella, given her hard-of-hearing issues, providing her opinion on a topic which she had not heard correctly, thereby weighing-in on an issue which did not, in fact, exist. Funny, I think; sophomoric, definitely; one of her better characters on the show, yes, I believe so - I was never a big fan of her Roseanne Roseannadanna or Lisa Loopner characters.

Litella usually referred to Chevy Chase as “Cheddar Cheese,” and her misinterpretations included:

• Busting schoolchildren (instead of “Busing schoolchildren”)

• Firing the handicapped (instead of “Hiring the handicapped”)

• Saving Soviet jewelry (instead of “Saving Soviet Jewry”)

• Eagle Rights Amendment (instead of “Equal Rights Amendment”)

• Canker research (instead of “Cancer research”)

• Deaf penalty (instead of “Death penalty”)

• Conserving natural racehorses (instead of “Conserving natural resources”)

• Presidential erections (instead of “Presidential elections”) - this one might have been a bit prescient, given Bill Clinton’s antics while President.

• Violins on television (instead of “Violence on television”)

• Crustacean hijackers (instead of “Croatian hijackers”)

• Unisex donations (instead of “UNICEF donations”)

• Making Puerto Rico a steak (instead of “Making Puerto Rico a state”)

• Burning tissues (instead of “Burning issues”)

• Transcendental medication (instead of “Transcendental meditation”)

• Liverboats (instead of “Riverboats”)

• Endangered feces (instead of “Endangered species”)

• “(You Make Me Feel Like) a National Woman” (instead of “(You Make Me Feel Like) a Natural Woman”)

• Air solution (instead of “Air pollution”)

• “I Will Swallow Him” (instead of “I Will Follow Him”)

• Rodeo and Juliet (instead of “Romeo and Juliet”)

After Chevy Chase (“Cheddar Cheese”) pointed out Litella’s error, and highlighted the actual issue, Emily would respond, “Oh, that’s very different. . .never mind.”

Solid comedic fodder, this. . .

Upon reviewing Emily Litella’s handiwork, I wonder if misinterpretation might be a factor in creating the massive gulf that exists today regarding political beliefs, stances on social issues and potential economic solutions, to name just a few areas in which large numbers of people currently reside on one side or another. Perhaps we have simply misunderstood what the actual issue or solution is.

For example:

• Persistent inflation - Emily Litella might misinterpret this issue as “Persistent inflammation,” and she might advise viewers to immediately visit their primary care physician, if such symptoms were evident.

• Government insurrection - Emily might hear this one as “Government introspection,” which she would no doubt praise, as being reflective of a government committed to performing a comprehensive review of its policies and procedures, with the overarching goal of improving its operation. If only. . .

• Tariffs - an obvious choice here is “Sheriffs,” which I believe Emily might lobby against, as an economic solution; if she were conflicted regarding this economic solution, she wouldn’t be alone, as economists have offered differing advice on the actual issue.

• Woke agenda - now, Emily might unintentionally stumble on a real issue here, if she were to hear “Yolk agenda,” and wonder what exactly the nation’s egg-producers were planning, and how best to solve the issue of spiraling egg prices.

• Border crisis - a “Boarder crisis” might hit home for Emily. I envision that she likely lives alone, but attempting to make ends meet on her meager savings proves challenging. A solution for her might include taking in a roommate.

• Transgender athletes - Emily might have a problem with “Big spender athletes,” prancing around town with their fancy cars, and their flashy jewelry (not Soviet jewelry, God-forbid!) and their entourages.

• Opioid problem - a natural mistake, I think, would be to confuse this one with a “Hemorrhoid problem” - at her advanced age, likely Emily has experienced a medical issue or two, and she may have had personal experience in this realm - she can certainly commiserate with fellow-sufferers.

• Deep state - Emily may have heard that Arkansas tops the list of states with the lowest cost of living: a “Cheap state,” if you will. She may even be considering moving there at some point.

• Right to choose - many people Emily’s age exercise the “Right to cruise,” and enjoy the fancy dining, and shuffleboard and lectures available on ships these days, targeted at seniors.

• Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) - given that I’ve retained my sophomoric sense of humor since 1975, I’m sure you’ll immediately sense where I’m going with this one, even though my search for words which rhyme with “DOGE” needed to travel twenty-eight words deep in the lineup before landing on the desired word, on the rhymezone.com website. That’s right, add a “bag” on the end of that word, and you’ve connected the dots to Rule of Three’s treasured Rule No. 2 (“Don’t be a douchebag”) - wow, that was a long journey to achieve an extremely underwhelming punchline! I’m not sure Emily Litella would approve.

• Stolen election - we’ve already seen above what Emily misinterpreted the word “election” to be, and I shudder to think what she might think she heard instead of “stolen” - I’m not getting near this one, not without having a urologist present.

So you see, the solution to this polarized society problem we face is to simply “Emily Litella” your response to someone who confronts you with a diatribe you disagree with, or which you find disturbing or unsettling: You quickly develop an alternative (ideally, nonsensical) issue, based upon your feigned mishearing of the other’s rant, and loudly stake your claim on the misinterpreted issue, blathering on and on until the other wearily points out that you are pontificating on an issue which doesn’t exist, and reiterates the original concern. At that point, you recite the Emily Litella mantra: “Oh, that’s very different. . .never mind.” I contend that that person is unlikely to approach you again with such a request for your opinion, so. . .problem solved. Don’t thank me, thank Rule of Free.

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