That George Santos Column is Not Going to Write Itself
When is the right time to bite the bullet, and embrace clickbait?
Ed. note: The following is a transcript of a conversation which may, or may not have happened recently.
Rule of Three Editor (“ROT Ed”): “When are you going to write a George Santos column?”
Award-Winning Columnist (“AWC”): “I don’t know - it seems as if every man, woman, and child in North America has weighed-in on that circus; what could I bring to it that would be a fresh take?”
ROT Ed: “It doesn’t matter - just seeing ‘George Santos’ in the headline will compel people to read it - you know, kind of like not being able to look away from a car crash.”
AWC: “I don’t know, I’ve got several more interesting things queued-up, that are unlikely to be covered by other columnists, including: “Is breakfast really the most important meal of the day?” and “Does spending a significant amount of time gardening really give you a green thumb?” and “Are meerkats the most adorable animals ever?”
ROT Ed: “As scintillating as those ideas sound to me, I think we’ve got to be prepared to exploit trending topics - that will mean increased readership.”
AWC: “Ahh, you’re talking about ‘clickbait,’ right? Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
ROT Ed: “Come on, man, don’t you want to grow your readership?”
AWC: “What’s next? A piece about that friggin’ Chinese balloon? Or, the rising cost of eggs? Or, LeBron James scoring more points than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Where does it end?”
ROT Ed: “Just tell me you’ll think about it.”
AWC: “Alright, I’ll tell you I’ll think about it (but, I won’t actually think about it).”
So, after this exchange, which may, or may not have happened, I decided to weigh the pros and cons of devoting an entire column to the trending topic of George Santos (imagine, as I did, tiny little Rule of Three characters perched on either shoulder - one, sporting a red devil’s outfit, complete with pitchfork - the other, an angelic character in white, with angel’s wings). The results of the pros vs. cons debate are as follows:
Pros
The potential for increased readership.
Adding my voice to the ever-growing calls for him to resign.
This column must be produced now, before George Santos’ fifteen minutes of fame is over.
Satisfying the all-important Rule No. 3 (“Amuse yourself”).
Cons
The potential for the column to be ignored, due to oversaturation of the topic.
The potential for harm to be inflicted upon the Rule of Three brand, due to connecting with an incendiary topic.
George Santos is, by definition, a self-parody - how then, could he be properly parodied by a third-party?
Further delaying release of the groundbreaking columns planned on: breakfast, gardening, and meerkats - the dedicated readers of Rule of Three deserve to know.
After weighing the evidence, and acknowledging that Rule of Three has become a trusted voice on such critical matters, we determined to move forward. But first, let’s examine some key elements associated with this topic.
What are these lies which have been proffered by Mr. Santos to date? Our research (i.e. reading a piece posted on mediaite.com, which purported to chronicle his lies, as of January 20th) suggests that this list should include:
Allegedly stealing money meant to save a disabled veteran’s dog.
Pretending his mother was in the World Trade Center on 9/11 and that she died as a result of the attacks.
Pretending to be descended from Holocaust survivors.
Claiming four of his employees were killed in the Pulse shooting.
Claiming he meant he was “Jew-ish”.
Pretending to be Jewish (clearly not in chronological order).
Where did all that money come from?
He might have committed crimes in Brazil.
What the f*** is his name?
Claiming to have rescued thousands of pets.
Lying about his work experience and personal finances.
Lying about his entire educational experience.
Allegedly stealing a Burberry scarf, etc. from his roommates.
Claiming to be a college volleyball star.
Denying he performed as a drag queen.
Claiming he attended the Met Gala.
Hiding the fact he was previously married to a woman.
Using a fake Churchill quote to defend himself.
An impressive list of fabrications, no doubt, but, nowhere on this list do I see a more recent lie, in which he indicated that he was a producer of a failed Broadway show. So, yes, the hits keep on coming (“You’re gonna’ need a bigger website!”).
Another concern for the team here at Rule of Three, on this front, is being compared to other columnists, pundits, and late-night TV show hosts, many of whom have already laid some tremendous comedic “pipe” during the George Santos saga. Some of our favorites include:
Jimmy Kimmel riffed on the stolen Burberry scarf to wear at the January 6th “Stop the Steal” rally, saying, “What’s the problem? Stealing was the theme of the rally! The Burberry Bandit is on the loose.”
Kimmel also said that stealing money meant to save a disabled veteran’s dog “. . .is a ticket straight to hell. He’s literally a Scooby-Doo villain at this point.”
Stephen Colbert joked that, after reaching his breaking-point, new Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy said, “. . .that’s it, George Santos has got to go. . .sit on two House committees. The House committees for small business and science make sense. . .I mean, Santos said he had a degree from the Bill Nye School of the Sharktank Academy of Business Science.”
Leslie Jones, on the Daily Show, said, “Do you know how much you have to lie to be known as the ‘lying congressman? I mean, all these m*****f***ers do is lie all day. But when you ask them who is the liar, they’re like, ‘this guy’.”
Now, since we’re clearly ambivalent about crafting this column at all, we have decided to resurrect a tired old chestnut to satisfy the mission: the “Rule of Three Top Ten List” (thanks, David Letterman, although we would have preferred a “Top Three List”). Herewith, in reverse order, as was the custom with David Letterman, is the “Rule of Three Top Ten Lies Which George Santos Has Not Gotten Around to Telling Yet”:
(10) “I’m preparing to perform with Rihanna at the halftime show of this year’s Super Bowl - working on my killer dance moves”
(9) “I’ve inked a deal to replace the owl who does the commercials for America’s Best Contacts & Eyeglasses - focus groups didn’t find him to be believable.”
(8) “I’m currently negotiating with the ‘TED Talks’ people to produce an inspirational video, featuring me - the challenge is choosing the proper topic, from the many, many options available - the curse of being so good at so many things.”
(7) “The United Egg Association has reached out to me to solve the spiraling egg cost crisis - the solution is simple: chickens need to lay more eggs.”
(6) “LeBron James texted me after the game the other night, in which he broke Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s record for most career points scored by an NBA player, thanking me for helping to correct his jump shot motion several years ago.”
(5) “Growing up in Scranton, Pennsylvania, in the late 1950’s, I fell in with the wrong crowd, and engaged in some gang activity, acquiring the nickname, “Corn Pop” in the process - I never did learn to swim.”
(4) “Alec Baldwin didn’t listen to me when I advised him to revise the ‘Rust’ script to substitute a sword-fighting scene for a gunfight scene - it worked very well in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
(3) “I told Sam Bankman-Fried to lose the hyphen in his name - too many names in the mix just confuse people - look what it did to his crypto empire.”
(2) “Southwest Airlines came to me a few years ago, seeking advice regarding a large capital investment in a new reservations system - I said, ‘Why spend the money? You’re doing fine without it. What could go wrong?’”
(1) “I’ve been working with the Chinese Weather Balloon Company to advance their weather forecasting capabilities - they’ve made great strides in recent years, and intend to become a global player in that space.”
Well, there you have it - as you can tell, I didn’t want to provide the George Santos story any oxygen, but I performed my columnist duty in spite of my personal feelings. Even if this piece delivers massive readership gains, I’ll continue to sulk.
Next week, I promise to deliver the goods on breakfast. . .or gardening. . .or meerkats.
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Bill,
Another winner, thanks.
There seems to be a trend of foreshadowing, promising or teasing future columns, kudos to ROT marketing for this. But delivery is wildly anticipated.
…. Further delaying release of the groundbreaking columns planned on: breakfast, gardening, and meerkats - the dedicated readers of Rule of Three deserve to know…..
….. but I’ll save that for a future column on monkeys). . .
Please produce the monkeys column , etfsoons.