The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker

Three among many noble professions.

You may be familiar with the nursery rhyme, “Rub-a-Dub-Dub” - a current version reads as:

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub,
And who do you think they be?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker,
And all of them out to sea.

Amusing and playful, no?

You might be surprised to learn that its original incarnation, dating back to the 14th century, had a very different connotation. The verse back then read:

Hey! rub-a-dub, ho! rub-a-dub, three maids in a tub,
And who do you think were there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
And all of them gone to the fair.

Apparently, local fairs in those days included less-than-reputable sideshows, similar to peepshows, in which respectable tradesmen such as butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers, could ogle naked women (“maids”), while their wives and children were engaging in more wholesome pursuits at the other end of the fairgrounds. Also, this nursery rhyme might, or might not be the first instance of the use of the pejorative, “ho,” to describe women of damaged character - simply a hypothesis on my part.

Each of these three noble professions requires very specific skills: a butcher must have a deft touch with a carving knife; a baker must possess a keen sense of spices and baking temperature management; and the primary skill required to be a successful candlestick maker, as far as I can tell, is proper placement of the wick, as candles are cooling.

These three jobs still exist, although I have to imagine that most candlestick making has been automated.

But, there have been additional respected professional positions, even back in the 14th century, and certainly today.

Most professions, with the possible exception of: Social Media Influencer; Used Car Salesman; and Award-Winning Columnist seem to require some level of discernable competence and skills in order to be successful. Liam Neeson, in the awesome 2008 film, Taken, indicates to the bad guy who has kidnapped his daughter that he has “a very particular set of skills. . .” Neeson’s skill-set includes the ability to find and kill whomever he wants; not every job requires that very particular set of skills (some do, I suppose), but each job has its requirements.

Skill sets appear to lie within three broad categories: physical strength; physical attractiveness; or mental acuity. My advice to you, when choosing a career path, is to avoid those jobs which lean heavily on the first two, because, let’s face it, those attributes are going to whither over time. It’s a far-better long-term strategy to choose a job which leverages mental acuity, as those jobs don’t typically demand hours in the gym, or in the makeup chair. Of course, there is Alzheimer’s, but nothing is forever, right?

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As a rule, Rule of Three is decidedly apolitical, but, I can sense what you’re thinking: there are two significant 2024 presidential candidates, of advanced ages, and Rule of Three intends to suggest a skills gap, based upon age-based mental acuity deterioration. Let me assure you, I am convinced that neither of those two gentlemen possess the necessary skills in any of the three broad categories to successfully perform presidential duties: I don’t believe either one of them possesses the physical strength to move boxes of confidential records from the White House - they would need to recruit co-conspirators. . .er, assistants; neither of them would be voted “Most Handsome President” (both would land below LBJ (the presidential equivalent of the “Mendoza Line”) in the contest, I believe); and, as for mental acuity, have you heard any of their recent public statements?

Which jobs require physical strength to be successful? Here is a sampling:

• Bouncer at a hip nightclub - this job also requires the ability to speak authoritatively, admonishing, “Step back, sir,” and “I’m sorry, sir, you’re not on the list,” and “I could allow you in, if only you were more attractive.”

• Mover - definitely a young man’s game - moving household goods is one of the best workout routines around - I’m surprised that Jane Fonda or one of the other fitness gurus never leveraged this potential gold-mine in a “Mover’s Workout Video.”

• Professional athletes - yes, I suppose there is a physical fitness element attached to high-performing NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and every other alphabet-soup league professional athletes, but I am more focused on the physical strength required to hoist the ridiculously large bags stuffed with cash, which even the “third-string bench-riders” drag home with them, as compensation for playing kids’ games.

What about physical attractiveness, you ask? Here are some well-known jobs, which rely heavily upon physical attractiveness:

• TV news anchor - clearly, this job does not prioritize journalistic skills - we simply wish to learn about Russian bombing raids, and school shootings, and Congressional shenanigans delivered by a good-looking man or woman - this is why LBJ’s post-presidential career didn’t include a stint as a TV news anchor.

• Beauty pageant contestant - I toyed briefly with including this job in the mental acuity category, because, you know, this is, after all, a humor column, and irony is our middle name (actually, “of” is our middle name, but you get the idea).

• Actor - sure, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Brad Pitt are considered to be conventionally attractive actors, but there also are successful actors, who, to be charitable, are not considered to be conventionally attractive, including: Steve Buscemi, Melissa McCarthy, and Willem Dafoe.

Mental acuity is probably the most difficult category of the three to define, so, you’ll just have to trust me here, as I suggest that the following jobs require a high degree of mental acuity:

• Nuclear physicist - yes, Homer Simpson works in a nuclear power plant, but I don’t believe he’s a physicist, but rather a. . .well, I don’t really know what he does.

• University professor - I’m not talking about someone who is a professor at a community college, but a full-on, tenured professor at an accredited university - you know, the guy who wears the tweed sport coat with the big patches on the elbows.

• The guy who administers the “Montreal Cognitive Assessment” test - this is the well known “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.” test, which attempts to detect evidence of dementia, or Alzheimer’s disease. I believe the guy who administers such a test should be required to prove his own high level of mental acuity, prior to administering the test - that’s irony, my friend - you’re welcome!

Finally, what about those maids from the fair (a/k/a “strippers”)? By the way, I wonder if that’s where the phrase “fair maiden” came from? In my opinion, pursuing a career as a stripper requires a dose of skills from each of the three broad categories: physical strength is necessary in order to fend off unwanted advances from strip club patrons; it’s logical to assume that physical attractiveness is a desirable attribute in a stripper, in order to attract leering customers; and, mental acuity seems to be a prerequisite, because, “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.” reads like a requisition order for materials to be used in shooting a low-budget adult entertainment film, and Rule of Three’s research reveals that many of your local strippers operate a side-hustle in the adult entertainment film space.

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