The Commencement Speech

Have one ready, in case you're asked to speak at commencement.

It’s commencement season. It may also be flea and tick season, and I’m pretty sure that we’re currently between cold and flu seasons. But, as far as I know, the first one I mentioned is the only one of the three which comes with speeches.

As a veteran of the commencement speech circuit (I was the commencement speaker at Dreams of Tomorrow Learning Center, a daycare located in Toledo, Ohio, around 2012), I am equipped to offer you advice which will effectively prepare you (and, me, should I ever get the call again) to dispense wisdom to the graduating class, which will stay with them, and guide their life-choices for years to come. But, no pressure. . .

Rule of Three’s exhaustive research on the topic of commencement speeches led us to “The 12 Best Commencement Speeches of All Time,” housed at thevectorimpact.com - curiously, my 2012 Dreams of Tomorrow speech was not included in this list, but I’ll get to that in due time. Thevectorimpact.com’s list did include:

• Kamala Harris - Tennessee State University (2022) - the site suggested that the best soundbite from this speech was, “I look at this unsettled world and, yes, I then see the challenges, but I’m here to tell you, I also see the opportunities. The opportunities for your leadership. The future of our country and our world will be shaped by you.” This excerpt checks many boxes on the “Commencement Speech Nebulous Advice” checklist: “challenges;” “opportunities;” “leadership;” “future;” and “shaped.” If the assembled graduates had been playing a game of “Buzzword Bingo” during this speech, I’m sure someone would have yelled out, “Bingo!”

• Jim Carrey - Maharishi University of Management (2014) - first of all, the “Maharishi University of Management”? I was as surprised as you are to learn that this is an actual university, founded in 1973 in Iowa, and features a “consciousness-based education system.” Carrey’s best line delivered, according to thevectorimpact.com, was, “You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear.” Consciousness, indeed!

• Taylor Swift - New York University (2022) - popular culture figures are often tapped to deliver commencement speeches, and Taylor Swift came through for NYU last year, providing this invaluable bit of dating advice: “Never be ashamed of trying. Effortlessness is a myth. The people who wanted it the least were the ones I wanted to date and be friends with in high school. The people who want it most are the people I now hire to work for my company.” Solid advice, although I’m confused about those who wanted it the least and the most - the “it” that she is referring to - is that success, or trying, or effortlessness?

• Steve Jobs - Stanford (2005) - the soundbite reflected for Jobs included, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. . .” In retrospect, this view was prescient, as Jobs died at the relatively young age of 56.

• Maria Shriver - University of Michigan (2022) - the one word that jumps out in Shriver’s speech is authenticity - alright, not a bad concept, I suppose - Go Blue!

• Denzel Washington - University of Pennsylvania (2011) - in reviewing the transcripts of Washington’s speech, I learned that Reggie Jackson struck out 2,600 times during his MLB baseball career - Washington’s point was that everyone will fail at times, but, it’s critical that you leave those failures off your resume, and you hire a great publicist, who will effectively highlight the 563 homeruns you hit, in order that you can secure a deal in which a candy bar is named after you, or something like that.

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• Elizabeth Bonker - Rollins College (2012) - don’t feel badly if you don’t know who Ms. Bonker is - I didn’t either. She was a valedictorian of this class, and thus, required to speak at commencement. Affected by nonspeaking autism, she typed her speech, which was read aloud by one of those translation programs. The primary theme was perseverance and choosing your own path in life - strong commencement themes, bolstered by her own personal story.

• David Foster Wallace - Kenyon College (2005) - Author Wallace begins his speech by jumping into a parable about two fish, which is intended to illustrate that “. . .the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. . .” The fish story really doesn’t matter, but Wallace insists that each commencement speech must contain such a parable. I leave it to you to determine if that is true or not.

• Mary Schmich - ??? (1997) - Schmich was a columnist for the Chicago Tribune in 1997, and penned a column titled, “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young,” a hypothetical commencement address. Rule of Three admires the gimmick, in that this speech was never delivered to a graduating class - well-played, Mary Schmich.

• Abby Wambach - Barnard College (2018) - the lesson derived from Wambach’s speech is that a targeted approach can be quite effective - Barnard College is a private women’s college located in Manhattan, and the focus of her speech was feminism - that’s alignment, man!

• George Saunders - Syracuse University (2013) - Saunders, an English professor at the university, and an author, began his speech with, “Down through the ages, a traditional form has evolved for this type of speech, which is: Some old fart, his best years behind him, who, over the course of his life, has made a series of dreadful mistakes (that would be me), gives heartfelt advice to a group of shining, energetic young people, with all of their best years ahead of them (that would be you).” This soundbite sums-up quite nicely the expectations attached to the commencement speech.

• Matthew McConaughey - University of Houston (2018) - it doesn’t really matter what McConaughey had to say in this speech, does it? I can picture him delivering the goods in his cool, easygoing manner. And, there’s something to be said for that.

Now that we’ve digested the lessons provided by “The 12 Best Commencement Speeches of All Time” we’re ready to accept that commission to speak at commencement, right? Not without a few additional bits of advice - these four tips to deliver to the assembled graduates are guaranteed winners, offered up by ideas.ted.com:

• Dream big

• Work hard

• Make mistakes

• Be kind

So, be sure to weave these elements into your speech. I’d also encourage you to be sure to insert a joke or two along the way - that will keep the graduates engaged and attentive - I count at least three graduates in the picture atop this column who appear to be dozing off, and there is nary a smile to be gleaned amongst the throng. By the way, Rule of Three has developed its own commencement speech playbook, which includes these imperatives:

• Secure a beverage

• Don’t be a douchebag

• Amuse yourself

You might recognize these precepts as the key elements of our founding mantra, but I think they work just as effectively as the cornerstones of a memorable commencement speech.

And, as I might, or might not have related to the 2011 graduating class of Dreams of Tomorrow Learning Center, “Today, you’re taking that big step forward from spending your days with Play-Doh, and picture books, and firetrucks to beginning to learn your ABC’s, and counting to 100, and studying critical race theory (Note: results in Florida may differ). But, remember to take with you always the lessons you have learned here at Dreams of Tomorrow, which include: snack-time is at 11:00 a.m.; your parent or guardian must pick you up no later than 5:30 p.m.; and blocks are for playing with, not for throwing at other children.”

A significant oversight in that 2012 speech was my neglecting to encourage the young graduates to subscribe to Rule of Three - they were unable to do so in 2012, but they can do so right now by simply clicking the button here to subscribe - it's free!