The Illicit Activity-Cam

Learning to stay in the shadows.

Oh sure, like you thought I would ignore the Coldplay concert “kiss-cam” incident. As a columnist charged with producing a weekly humor column, there is nothing better than having a topic served up on a silver platter. It was a tough editorial decision this week, because. . .

It was an embarrassment of riches - I mean, how often is a lovable mascot marched off in handcuffs? Low-hanging fruit, my friends. But in the end, the Rule of Three Editorial Board determined that its readers were best-served by a public service-focused column detailing the pitfalls of appearing on a kiss-cam, or a police bodycam, or a nanny cam or really any sort of “cam,” when you are harboring a secret which you would prefer not surface.

I think we can all agree that the way these two reacted to being featured on the kiss-cam unnecessarily blew their cover; they could have simply responded the way 98% of couples caught by the kiss-cam do: smile for the camera and execute a quick kiss, allowing the camera to move on to the next unsuspecting couple. Instead, the woman quickly turned her back to the camera, and the man slipped downward, out of camera shot. It was at this point at which the promoters of the Coldplay concert immediately forwarded the camera footage to the FBI for further analysis, inasmuch as the couple’s reactions exhibited clear evidence of criminality.

Now, I believe if the other couple pictured above - you know, the policeman escorting Chuck E. Cheese out of the restaurant in handcuffs - also recognized that they were being filmed, and believed it to be a kiss-cam, rather than a television news camera, they would also have declined to participate in the normal kiss-cam manner, because, you know, Chuck’s cartoonishly-large head makes intimacy difficult.

Cameras are becoming omnipresent, popping up at every turn, and aim to record every activity known to man. Rule of Three sets out, in this column, to identify “cams” which you may or may not encounter in the wild, and offers advice regarding how to react, such that you are not subsequently named as a “person of interest” in the crimes being investigated by these cams.

A cam which became quite popular in my household is one that I’ll call the “Dog Poop Cam,” in that it was positioned to capture the activities of the many dogs being walked in my neighborhood. This camera footage was introduced into evidence on occasion, as the camera operator confronted those offenders whose dogs “conducted their business” on our lawn, and who neglected to gather the “output” from those transactions in a plastic bag, before proceeding on their way. You’re familiar with the phrase, “Dance like nobody’s watching,” right? Rule of Three’s advice regarding managing your dog’s business whilst out walking is, “Walk your dog like everybody’s watching.”

Another cam which could be quite useful, particularly if you’re battling it out for a club championship on the golf course, is the “Golf Cheater’s Cam.” This cam would be able to capture the impact of the various “foot wedges,” and “ball placement improvements,” and “caddies who surreptitiously retrieve balls from the rough and casually deposit them on the green.” This camera footage could add many strokes to your opponent’s scores; understand that it could also add strokes to your score as well, if you currently participate in this golf course chicanery.

If, like me, you work in an office, with humans, you may have experienced the rather unpleasant mess and the lingering smell of leftover Mexican food one of your colleagues has reheated in the office microwave for lunch, neglecting to clean up the mess left in its wake. Well, fret no more, the “Office Microwave Cam” is here to solve the problem of assigning blame for creating this “disturbance” (homage to Curb Your Enthusiasm) in the office. Once confronted with the video evidence, hopefully the guilt this colleague experiences will be sufficient to prevent a repeat performance; of course, a different colleague might decide that leftover curry would make a delicious lunch, so, keep the cam in place.

A cam which wives and mothers have been clamoring for, for years, is: the “Toilet Seat Cam,” which would enable us to finally get to the bottom of the issue regarding who is leaving the toilet seat up, rather than restoring it to its proper resting position, perched atop the toilet bowl. Now, you may rightfully wonder about privacy concerns when it comes to bathroom habits. We have been assured that the Toilet Seat Cam is able to blur the “naughty bits” when recording in the bathroom, and only deliver the goods regarding the culprit who has left the toilet seat up. Further, an optional wide-angle camera lens would provide the additional benefit of revealing who is neglecting to replace the empty, or nearly-empty toilet paper roll. The advice we offer to you men and boys out there (and, we have come to accept that the rule-breakers here are overwhelmingly male) is: lower the toilet seat lid and replace the toilet paper roll when it’s empty, or nearly-empty - c’mon, it’s not that difficult a task.

Are there other “cams” which you believe would be useful to society? Please feel free to share them in the comments section below - we all like to perform on camera. . .even when we have something to hide.

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