The Last Meal

"The Death Row Cookbook"

We all have favorite meals in mind, whether homemade, or at restaurants. But, when it truly matters, say, when you are due to be executed within a few hours, what is that meal that you absolutely cannot live without (sorry, unintended irony, I assure you)?

According to Samuel Johnson, an 18th-century English writer, “Nothing concentrates one’s mind so much as the realization that one is going to be hanged in the morning!” (this quote is housed on quotefancy.com). An alternate website, azquotes.com, reflects the quote as, “When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.”

I suppose the gist of these two quotes is the same, although the first one is a more-accessible soundbite - I mean, who among us even knows what constitutes a “fortnight,” right?

Perhaps that same concentration can be focused on one’s stomach, as well.

Now, before you answer the question posed above, perhaps we should turn to our panel of experts - you know, the guys who actually had to choose their last meal before being executed. And, that group constitutes a fairly exclusive fraternity (and, sorority): only 15,269 people have been executed in the United States, since colonial times (only 1,567 people since the 1970’s); and, the population on Death Row, as of 2020, was 2,469. Here is a sampling:

• John Wayne Gacy - convicted of rape and thirty-three counts of murder, Gacy requested, for his last meal, twelve fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe KFC chicken (don’t bring me that extra crispy crap!), french fries, and a pound of strawberries.

• Timothy McVeigh - convicted of 168 counts of murder, as the Oklahoma City bomber, McVeigh ordered two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream - McVeigh no doubt was a devotee of French pastry chef and chocolatier, Jacques Torres, who is reputed to have said, “Life is short. Eat dessert first” - an appropriate quote to share in this instance, on many levels.

• Ted Bundy - sentenced to death for rape, necrophilia, prison escape, and more than 35 counts of murder, Bundy declined to order a special meal, and was provided Florida’s traditional last meal: a medium-rare steak, eggs over easy, hash browns, toast with butter and jelly, milk, and juice, although he apparently didn’t eat any of it - not a fan of breakfast for dinner, I guess.

• Albert Lee “Tiny” Davis - another Florida executee, Davis asked for lobster tail, fried potatoes, half a pound of fried shrimp, six ounces of fried clams, half a loaf of garlic bread, and 32 ounces of A&W root beer - Florida is chock-full of seafood options, and A&W is the best root beer around, so, some strong choices right there.

• Aileeen Wournos - convicted of killing seven men, Wournos was executed by Florida, an equal-opportunity death penalty sentence fulfillment state, apparently, and, perhaps deterred by a potential $20.00 price-tag for her final meal, opted instead for a cup of black coffee - well, at least it wasn’t going to keep her up all night.

• Al Capone - Ha! I got you - Capone was not executed in prison - he did spend time in prison (for income tax evasion): Alcatraz, but he was released in 1939, due to his suffering from paresis (late-stage syphilis) - he died eight years later, at his Florida estate, of cardiac arrest. By definition, Capone, as with everyone who has ever died, did enjoy a last meal, but, he might not have known it was his last meal, and therefore, is not entitled to be included in “The Death Row Cookbook.”

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As I consider what my “go-to” would be, if I were placed in the position of requesting a last meal, there are two different directions I can envision: homemade; or a restaurant meal. If I went the homemade route, I would opt for either:

• Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas - my wife makes a killer (again, an unintentionally ironic turn of phrase) meatloaf; or

• Beef stroganoff - also one of my wife’s best culinary efforts.

• A tumbler of world-class, single-malt scotch - perhaps a Macallan, or a Balvenie - and, I would definitely ask for the big cube - I love the big cube.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s suppose that my wife was not able to prepare this meal to my specifications - she might not be all that willing to cook for me, given that pesky Death Row residence thing. In that case, I would opt for one of these fine options:

• A deep-dish (Chicago-style) pizza from Giordano’s - my choice would likely be sausage and mushroom.

• An authentic Philly cheesesteak - Jim’s South St., located at Fourth and South Streets in South Philadelphia is a logical choice, although I see on their website that they are closed temporarily due to a fire - geez, I sure hope they reopen before I need to place my order. And, yes, I would opt for “wid” (i.e. “with fried onions”).

• An Italian Beef sandwich, from Al’s #1 Italian Beef, located on West Taylor Street, west of Chicago’s Loop - truly sublime!

Alright, that’s me. Feel free to log your own selections in the comments section below.

Before we leave these Death Row denizens to their respective fates, I think we should pay heed to another long-held tradition - that of last words. These words of wisdom should be shared, in my opinion, after completing their last meal - according to the old adage, you shouldn’t talk with your mouth full. What have some of these Death Row inmates provided to us, as parting shots? Here is a sampling:

• John Arthur Spenkelink - Spenkelink claimed that he was being executed, in 1979, because he couldn’t afford better legal representation. His final words were: “Capital punishment. Them without the capital get the punishment.” That is quite profound, for a Death Row inmate.

• David Earl Miller - Miller’s final words were: “Beats being on Death Row.” So does oral surgery, but I wouldn’t readily volunteer for that, either.

• John Wayne Gacy - Gacy exited with, “Kiss my ass.” Stay classy, “killer clown”. . .

I was expecting to discover more interesting soundbites from this collection of killers than I actually did. What would I say, you ask? Here are some suggestions for your consideration:

• “Hmm. . .did I pick up my dry-cleaning?”

• “Man, that meatloaf was amazing!”

• “Can you guys give me a few minutes here, so I can do today’s Wordle?”

What pearls of wisdom can you offer up, to rival these gems? I’ll read them in the comments section later - I’ve got to do the Wordle first.

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