The Niche-ification of Summer Camps

Summer camp for the kids has evolved.

Every parent needs a break. You know, from their kids. When school lets out for the summer, all of a sudden children are there, all day long, whining about there being nothing to do. This is where summer camps have played a role in preserving the sanity of parents for generations now. And, Rule of Three is here to help you navigate the myriad choices available: there are day-camps, there are sleep-away camps, and there are pretend-camps (you know, pitching a tent in the backyard, and allowing the kids to sleep out there overnight - the over/under regarding how many hours the kids will actually stay out there, until they get scared, or bored, or eaten by a bear is 4.3 hours).

There are single-gender camps, and there are coeducational camps. I imagine the flaps of the tents being fastened on the other side in girls’ camps, but, I’m at a loss as to how this critical issue is handled at coeducational camps.

Now, it being July already, there’s no possible way we can help you for this summer - if your kids are there, all day long, whining about there being nothing to do, then that’s on you - you should have signed them up for camp six months ago. But, we can help you plan for next summer. So, pay attention.

When I was a youngster, my parents shipped me off to northern Michigan for a few weeks in the summer to Camp Tosebo, which provided a pretty typical summer camp experience in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s: swimming in the lake, horseback riding, arts & crafts, softball, tennis, Native-American bonfire ceremonies, once-a-week showers, sleeping on cots in cabins and platform tents, archery, miniature golf, BB guns, reading comics, and meals in the mess hall. Rule of Three offered a glimpse into this summer camp experience here. . .

These days, however, summer camp is a very different experience - more targeted, perhaps. A sampling of current summer camp options available includes:

• Sports camps - this type of camp, which is focused on a specific sport, such as football, basketball, baseball, golf, skiing, tennis, wrestling, and competitive hot-dog eating (I suspect Joey Chestnut is an alumnus of that camp), immerses kids in repetitive skills training, with the goal being to ultimately secure a professional career in that given sport, and enjoy the benefits of its attendant sponsorship deals. All I can say in response to that belief is that I spent three weeks during the summer of 1974 at a tennis camp in Wisconsin, and, to date, I have not reached the Wimbledon finals, let alone hoisted the gilded-silver cup awarded to the men’s singles champion on Centre Court - not to mention the fact that I have not yet enjoyed the benefits of attendant sponsorship deals.

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• Religious camps - I’m quite sure that most of your garden-variety religious groups offer summer camps in some way, shape or form. There are Christian-based camps and Jewish camps, and likely, Islamic, Hindu, and Buddhist camps as well. The pie chart of “major worldwide religions” included on a Wikipedia page entitled, “Major Religious Groups” includes a couple of other categories that intrigued me: “Irreligion,” which captured a 15.6% slice of the pie; and “Folk Religions,” to which was attributed 5.6%. “Irreligion” apparently encompasses such familiar concepts as atheism and agnosticism, but also includes secular humanism and antitheism. I would argue that those lumped into the “Irreligion” cohort probably include those who have not been exposed to religion of any sort, and those who simply don’t care one way or another - yes “Irreligion” is one big tent, indeed. But, just as Chinese food consumed in China by local residents is likely referred to simply as “food,” “Irreligious” summer camps should probably be referred to simply as “summer camps.” As for “Folk Religions,” the consensus appears to be that it constitutes a set of beliefs appropriated from other major religions, but customizes those beliefs to suit customs and mores of small, local communities - now that’s a religion I can get behind - one you can make up as you go along. Regardless of the religious “camp” with which a particular camp is aligned, the operating budget for this summer experience likely falls within the marketing arm of the organization’s financials, inasmuch as weaving-in a bit of religious indoctrination between the horseback riding, and swimming, and other typical camp activities represents a subtle pitch for young bodies, minds and souls.

• Fat camp - the politically-correct term for these types of camps now is, “fitness camp,” or “health camp.” I’m just speculating here, but I suspect that s’mores are not featured on the list of activities conducted at these camps.

• Scout camp - the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts each conduct their version of summer camp, no doubt featuring the earth tones for which each branch is known: brown and green, respectively. The better to blend-in with nature, I suppose.

• Band camp - alright, I’m only going to say this once: the first person who even thinks about that line from 1999’s American Pie - I will stop this column right here, and none of us will get to hear one more bit of advice about summer camps. Is that what you want? Huh? Is it? Oh, I’m serious, mister! Don’t test me - I’ll do it, in a heartbeat! Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with it. . .

• Performing arts camp - now, you might think that band camp and performing arts camp are but two branches of the same tree, but, I’m here to tell you otherwise. During my high school years, I was what a friend later informed me was a “band wonk,” spending my spare time on the third floor of the music building located on New Trier East’s Winnetka, Illinois campus. And, those aspiring thespians and singers claimed the two lower floors as their own. One of the few opportunities for the two distinct groups to connect was at musical theatrical production cast parties, typically held at a cast member’s parent’s house after the show; members of the pit orchestra were grudgingly invited. But, while the denizens of the first and second floors were carousing inside the house (think the party scenes in 1983’s Risky Business, which was filmed in the very same North Shore area), band wonks gathered in the driveway to smoke weed - very different partygoing experiences.

• Space camp - bad news for those of you who wanted to send your kids on a journey into space this summer: according to NASA’s website, they cancelled 2023 summer camp programs, due to security issues, low participant interest and cost. Ah well, maybe Elon is fielding a summer camp program.

As you can see, there are many options available to you and your children - for next summer, that is. But, we here at Rule of Three are always looking for gaps in the lineup - what market niche for summer campers has yet to be exploited? Herewith are a few of our suggestions:

• Elderly camp - people are living longer, and, as summertime rolls around, I have to imagine that some portion (admittedly, likely a very small portion) of our elderly population desires to get out into nature, and re-live experiences they had a scant seventy-five years earlier. Perhaps you keep them away from the horses and the weapons, but that certainly leaves plenty of arts & crafts activities (as long as the entrance to the arts & crafts facility is wheelchair-accessible). I’d love the gift of a ceramic ashtray from one of my elderly friends at Christmas. And, many of them already practice the once-a-week shower routine.

• Lawyers camp - argumentative youngsters (now, that’s truly redundant) who are seeking to jump-start their legal careers represent a true target market for this highly-specialized camp. Daily programming could include tips regarding maximizing billable hours; the proper use of flowery, superfluous language, which serves to obfuscate the actual issue; and hare-brained motions proven to effectively delay legal proceedings.

• Virtual camp - if we learned one thing from the pandemic, it’s that basically nothing needs to happen in person, right? Office work: can absolutely be conducted from the couch; religious services: if you’re unable to participate in the “drive-by” homilies provided by some religious institutions, you could simply shift your allegiance to “Irreligious” - you’ll still be included in the pie chart; and grocery shopping: services have sprung-up which will perform this activity for you - just the other night, I greeted a young man at the front door, from whom we had apparently requested Oreos, about twenty minutes earlier - I think those Oreos cost $28.00, but, nonetheless. . . Summer camp could function in the same manner as these businesses: you could enjoy swimming in the lake, horseback riding, arts & crafts, softball, tennis, Native-American bonfire ceremonies, once-a-week showers, sleeping on cots in cabins and platform tents, archery, miniature golf, BB guns, reading comics, and meals in the mess hall, all virtually, without having to interact in any way with those pesky counselors and fellow campers.

There is one constant that must be observed in all summer camp settings, even the new additions identified here: the presence of “bug juice” (Ed. note: No bugs have ever been harmed in the making of bug juice, at least not intentionally).

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