WILLIAM ALLEN SOUTHERN!
You’ve probably heard this same, very loud clarion call, at some point in your life - likely not the three names which have been assigned to me, but, probably your own set of three names. Except, that is, for those quirks of nature, such as George Herbert Walker Bush, who somehow ended up with a bonus name in his full name; or Harry S Truman (note the missing period after the “S,” which acknowledges that the “S” did not stand for anything - it was simply inserted because Harry felt naked without a middle initial); or Prince Charles, whose full name is: Charles Philip Arthur George, prince of Wales and earl of Chester, duke of Cornwall, duke of Rothesay, earl of Carrick and Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland (a great name for a band, which would likely be known by its shorthand: “Chuck”) - it’s a good thing Prince Charles has no real job, because that name would be very difficult to shoehorn onto a business card.
Woody Hayes, the longtime Ohio State football coach was believed to have first uttered the phrase, “Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.” Some attribute the quote to Darrell Royal, the longtime football coach of the Texas Longhorns, but Coach Royal suggested later that he acquired much of his wisdom by hearing things in the barber shop, and Woody might have uttered the phrase while the two men were getting haircuts. Which begs the question: Who among us would patronize the barber shop where Woody was getting his haircut? I mean, yes, I had the Pete Rose buzzcut for way longer than was acceptable as a youth, but nobody’s walking into a barber shop and asking for the “Woody Hayes” cut.
In any event, Woody’s quote, in defense of a boring, “three yards and a cloud of dust” offensive game-plan, highlights his understanding that, when executing an offensive pass play, either the pass is completed to a receiver (good outcome), or the pass is incomplete (bad outcome), or the pass is intercepted by a Clemson defensive guard at the end of the 1978 Gator Bowl, causing the head coach to punch the defensive guard on the sideline at the end of the play, resulting in the firing of the head coach shortly thereafter (bad outcome) - wow, that’s a really specific potential outcome attached to a pass play - Woody was incredibly prescient, no? You have no idea. . .
Woody Hayes Punches Defensive Guard
Woody’s experience with pass plays caused me to consider which instances typically involve invocation of one’s full name. I submit that there are three scenarios in which one’s full name is unfurled:
Commencement - most colleges and universities don’t take the time or energy to announce individual members of their graduating classes, but it is typical for high school graduations to feature the reading of the names of graduates. This is an important rite of passage for graduates, and is intended to make the graduate feel special - unless you have an unusual middle name, which you would prefer not be revealed to your classmates - I have to imagine that Richard Nixon, as an example, might have been a little bit embarrassed that he was baptized with a middle name which was the first name of Bart Simpson’s buddy, Milhous, in the long-running TV show, The Simpsons.
A Mother’s Displeasure - when you’ve done something to upset your mother, she might call out for you loudly, with your full, given name. This floorshow might even be conducted in a public space, with audience members outside the household in attendance. And, it might be followed by a demand that you “go to your room, and think about what you’ve done.” I can neither confirm nor deny that this actually happened to me, but I’ve certainly read about this happening to others. This can be a traumatic experience for a youngster, although not as life-altering as. . .
Memorable Killers - Lee Harvey Oswald (John F. Kennedy); John Wayne Gacy (many young men and boys); and Mark David Chapman (John Lennon) are but a few examples in this category of evildoers. I don’t know if the practice of calling these killers by their complete given name stemmed from their mothers calling them out publicly, or if it was intended to avoid confusing them with other, innocent members of society, who happened to have the same first and last name, but with a different middle name; how awkward would it be if, at your high school graduation, your name, LEE HERBERT OSWALD, was proclaimed for all to hear in the audience - there might be murmuring. Also, I wonder if the absence of a middle name precludes a potential foray into the arena of well-publicized killing - maybe that’s what prevented young Harry S Truman from pursuing a life of crime.
I can certainly imagine that, after the scene at the end of the 1978 Gator Bowl, a certain mother in Clifton, Ohio might have sounded this alarm:
WAYNE WOODROW HAYES!
This call to arms might very well have been followed with a demand that Woody “go to his room, and think about what he’d done.”
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