Threeology

Appending "ology" to the names of things adds academic gravitas.

As an accountant, I’m a bit dismayed that there is no field of study labeled, “Accountingology;” there should be such a discipline, but alas, that term is nowhere to be found in Wikipedia’s “List of words ending in ology.” And, let me tell you, Wikipedia’s list is an exhaustive summary of things to be studied: the number of terms included just in the first alphabetic section (you know, the “A’s”) totals one hundred five, beginning with “Abiology” (the study of inanimate, inorganic, or lifeless things) and ending with “Azoology” (the study of inanimate nature) - do you detect a theme here in the “A” section? Geez, I hope the other letters of the alphabet contain something with a bit more life in them.

Anytime a list of things is segmented by letter, that implies a very long list. I think we can agree that three of the least-used letters in the alphabet are “Q”, “X” and “Z.” The “Q’s” in the “ology” site contain two words: “Quinology,” and “Quintology” - Quinology, as you might imagine, is the science of the cultivation of cinchona and its use in medicine as quinine (mm-hmm); Quintology is a novel or piece of literature divided into five works. On the “X” front, there are seven elements, including “Xenodochionology,” which refers to the lore of hotels or inns, and “Xylology,” which involves the study of wood. Interestingly, the “X’s” beat out the “W’s” on this list, which feature a scant three items: “Webology” (the study of the World Wide Web); “Woodpeckerology” (do I really have to tell you what is studied here?); and “Wordology” (again, fairly self-explanatory); how hard would it have been to anoint “Woodology” as the study of wood? Why was it necessary to create an unpronounceable, made-up word, when “Woodology” was right there? As for our friend, “Z” (ironic, because I indeed have a friend, who has sometimes been referred to as, “Z”), there are twelve fields of study listed, ending with “Zythology,” in my opinion an entirely appropriate coda to this list, in that “Zythology” is the study of beer and beer-brewing (alright, I didn’t read the entire list cover-to-cover, but I could still use a beer about now).

Further stoking my “ology” envy is the fact that two of my children possess degrees in disciplines featuring the exalted suffix: “Kinesiology,” and “Psychology,” both awarded by the University of Michigan (Go Blue!). Never mind that there are exactly zero practicing kinesiologists or psychologists amongst my children - although those degrees are awarded for a very specific study track, career paths these days spring in many different directions.

Does the vast and leafy “ology” tree bear fruit in terms of earning respect in the professional world, you might ask? Examining the list of the “Top 10 Most Respected Professions in the World,” as provided to us by valuewalk.com (and, honestly, has valuewalk.com ever lied to us?), reveals not a single “ologist” among them. The list includes: Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Head Teacher (I’m confused by this one: Is this the lead educator in a school? Or, someone who instructs those in the study of the cranium? Or, even further afield, one who instructs women in a very specific sexual practice?), Police Officer, Nurse, Accountant (Hey, it’s an honor just to be nominated), Local Government Manager (Really, valuewalk.com? Do you ever read a newspaper? Have you ever even been to Chicago?), Management Consultant, and Secondary School Teacher (that’s high school, right? Doing battle every single day with surly teenagers should merit some recognition, I suppose).

Doubling back to Wikipedia’s extensive list of “ologies,” there appear to be many legitimate scientific or medical specialties included, such as: “Neurophysiology,” “Microbiology,” and “Oncology,” but, honestly, it seems to me that there are just as many manufactured fields of study, which reflect desperate attempts to “put lipstick on a pig.” Examples of these might include: “Mixology” (you know, the art of combining various ingredients to make cocktails) - I picture the budding mixologist hard at work behind a bar, perhaps dressed in a white labcoat, furiously pouring bits of vermouth, grenadine, and bitters, in an eternal quest to create the perfect cocktail - “Dammit, Jim, I’m a mixologist, not a miracle worker” (not being a Trekkie, I had to Google this reference to get it right - how’d I do?); “Fornicology” (isn’t that simply watching porn?); and “Latrinology” (the study of writings on restroom walls) - hmm, I didn’t notice these classes listed in the University of Michigan’s course offerings pamphlet. I’m beginning to wonder if Wikipedia is not policing its content closely enough, and is simply allowing its users to post random stuff, as a goof. That can’t be right - that’s Twitter’s business model.

In order to test the theory I have just posited, I visited Wikipedia’s site, located the “List of words ending in ology” page, and attempted to add “Threeology” as a category on that page. Within six minutes (it took that long because I’m not a trained website coder), I was able to add this critical field of study to the page, including a link to a second Wikipedia page, which describes the underpinnings of the Rule of Three; there it is in the screenshot below, right between “Thracology” and “Thremmatology".” I don’t know about you, but I feel as if it’s high time this field of study has enjoyed the recognition from the academic community it has so richly deserved, placing it in such august company as, “Autonumerology” (the study of unusual license plates), “Chessology” (which is either the study of chess, or the study of cheese - Wikipedia, exhibiting its extreme flexibility, offers both options - man, that would be an awkward game of chess, no? “Knight to king’s bishop three, countered by rook to queen’s Roquefort two.”), and “Kookology” (the study of kooks, or eccentric people - in other words, the gang of people who comprise the editors, such as me, who are responsible for the crowd-sourced content that is Wikipedia).

Whereas Dr. Jill Biden no doubt labored tediously over her doctoral thesis, Dr. Southern invested six minutes in cementing his academic credentials, firmly establishing himself as an acknowledged expert in the field of Threeology. Thankfully, I have just retrieved my cap and gown from the dry cleaners (cue Pomp and Circumstance music), and am ready to have my PH3 bestowed upon me.