Time to Dine

Groundbreaking new app monitors restaurant service performance.

My wife and I are frequent restaurant diners, and impatient frequent restaurant diners, at that. In today’s fast-paced, instant gratification environment, perhaps you are as well.

Well, fret no more - Rule of Three is pleased to unveil a brand new app, a solution in search of a problem which may or may not exist. The App Development Division within the Rule of Three organization has been feverishly working on development of an app which records the results of restaurants in key performance areas.

And, in answer to your first two questions: yes, we are aware of Yelp, and, no, we are not striving to weigh-in on the quality of the food provided by restaurants (whether editorially-driven, or crowd-sourced opinions). We stipulate that the quality of the food provided might be a meaningful metric to consider when dining out. But we here at Rule of Three believe that the single, most important deliverable that a restaurant can bring to the table (see what I did there?) is speed. Which is why fast-food options are so popular, although we do not intend to measure speed of delivery in fast-food locations - that’s been done to death.

No, we will stick with what those in polite society refer to as, “nice restaurants,” not strictly-defined as Michelin three-star places, but, you know, restaurants in which one must wear shirts and shoes, in order to be served.

Now, on to the nuts and bolts of the app, which the App Development Division team tells me is 95% complete, and ready for beta-testing (those of you who toil in app development will readily understand that 95% complete means that one of your buddies shared with you an idea he had, over a beer one night, and you, because he was buying, responded with great enthusiasm, and said that it was a great idea, and you both started scribbling notes on a cocktail napkin, and now you haven’t written one line of code yet, but you keep assuring your boss that it’s “95% complete”).

I’m sure that you would agree that there are a number of checkpoints to be satisfied, during the course of a typical dining-out experience. These checkpoints include:

• Checking-in with the restaurant’s host or hostess - the host or hostess greets you and asks for your name, in order to confirm your reservation (What? You didn’t make a reservation? Were you born in a barn? Or, Georgia? (Wow! Why the gratuitous swipe at Georgians? I know they almost elected Herschel Walker to the U.S. Senate, who, politics aside, I think we can all agree is a moron (and, who certainly would not have been the only moron ever elected to the U.S. Senate), but, I’m sure there are many fine, intelligent Georgians out there. . .somewhere). Target time to complete this task - thirty seconds. Once you have been properly greeted, click the first checkpoint on the app; if it’s been forty-five seconds, that’s probably OK - if it’s been twelve minutes, that’s a negative.

• You are seated at a table - the default setting for accomplishing this task is six minutes - if your restaurant destination is a particularly desirable dining spot, you may wish to adjust this setting upwards, but, I draw the line at twenty minutes - life’s too short, man!

• The server arrives at your table to greet you and take drink orders - remember when servers were called waiters or waitresses? Maybe “servers” is an improvement - after all, their job is to serve diners, not to wait around, smoke cigarettes, and short tips owed to busboys (sorry, a personal reflection from a very long time ago). Now you might think my standards on this one are too stringent, but the target for this task is three minutes - I long ago lost the ability to make small-talk with fellow diners, and, interaction with a server serves as a distraction (yet another endorsement for use of the word, “server”), making that awkward silence a little less awkward.

• Drinks are delivered, and restaurant “specials” are shared - I have generously allowed seven minutes for this next step to occur - again, small-talk is a lost art, and alcohol helps to ease the pain.

• The server takes your meal order - this critical checkpoint should be accomplished much quicker during a breakfast or lunch outing, but, if we focus on a garden-variety dinner out (which can include meat - I certainly didn’t mean to imply a vegetarian-centric meal, by using the word, “garden”), I believe that eleven minutes is an appropriate threshold, a wider margin than some of the earlier checkpoints, because, you know, there’s alcohol on board.

• Meals are delivered to the table - this action is clearly very important - it’s really the “pay-off pitch,” and not one to be taken lightly. Our rule of thumb (not Rule of Three, but clearly we do like our rules) for this step is seventeen minutes - enough time, in my opinion, even to properly cook a well-done steak.

• Plates are cleared and dessert and coffee are offered - this one is tricky, but a well-trained server should closely monitor the progress of his/her diners, and recognize when the table (including the painfully slow eater - guilty!) is done. And, after that determination is made, within three minutes, this suggestion should be proffered.

• Dessert and coffee are provided - this clearly optional step in the dining process should be accomplished within four minutes (generously allowing for any required “flambes” to be executed), and the app will offer a “skip this step” button, which advances directly to the next phase.

• The bill is presented - if the optional dessert and coffee process has been activated, the server must once again remain attentive to completion of this task, and obsequiously ask, “Is there anything further that I may bring you?” before presenting the bill. The same three minutes quoted above is appropriate in this instance.

• Retrieving the bill with a credit card - the server should allow for a brief two-minute stretch for the diners to pretend to argue over who will be paying the bill, and for the paying diner to slip a credit card (or, cash, I suppose) into the bill packet, before swiftly grabbing it off the table.

• Providing the credit card receipt and card to the paying diner for final execution - allowing two minutes to complete this transaction kindly provides time for a balky credit card processing machine, or internet connection.

Once this step is completed, you click the final button, at which time a complete report on the timeliness of service will be provided by the “Time to Dine” app - checkpoints which were successfully achieved will be highlighted by a plate of bright green food, much like Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham; those missed milestones will be accompanied by a red broken dishes icon. You may opt to share your findings immediately with restaurant management - they love the feedback - or, you may choose to wait, and alert them to their shortcomings as you arrive for your next visit. Note that the latter option comes with the attendant risk of a restaurant staffer spitting in your food.

“Time to Dine” was not the only naming option considered for this groundbreaking app - other alternatives considered included:

• “Where’s my F***ing Dinner?” - this option was rejected by Rule of Three’s Marketing Department as being a little too angry.

• “Dine ‘n Dash” - the Legal Department at Rule of Three indicated that this app name hinted at performing illegal activities, and they quashed it.

• “New App to Assess Culinary Promptness” - the marketers were at first quite taken with this moniker, until Rule of Three’s Acronym Awareness Review Project team pointed out that users might shorthand the name to “NAACP,” which has apparently already been in use for a number of years by a different organization - an ironic finding, given that Acronym Awareness Review Project itself yields a shorthand description already claimed by someone else (“AARP”).

In the end, “Time to Dine” won the day, and, as I have indicated, is 95% complete, and due to be released any day now for beta-testing. I think you’ll find this app to be tremendously helpful in all your future dining-out endeavors, except when (for Curb Your Enthusiasm fans only) there has been “. . .a disturbance in the kitchen.”

Reader Interaction Opportunities

Do you feel compelled to offer your two cents on this column’s topic? Feel free, free, free to do just that right here.

Hey! If you enjoyed this column, why not subscribe now? That way, you’ll never miss the latest Rule of Three offering. And, it’s free, free, free!

Or, perhaps you’d like to share this column with a friend. Also, free, free, free!

Or, perhaps you’d like to provide a point of entry to that friend to the entire world of Rule of Three. Yep, you guessed it, free, free, free!