Unlocking the Secrets of Successful Gift-Giving
A 12-step program intended to improve your gift-giving game.
“Hi, my name is Bill S., and I’m a terrible gift-giver.”
As is customary in any respectable 12-step improvement program, the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
And, no, I’m not asking those of you who have been unlucky enough to have received a gift from me in the past to heartily support my contention; there are unlikely to be serious challenges mounted from any quarter on this particular issue - let’s all agree that I am, in fact, a terrible gift-giver (Ed. note: So stipulated).
Since we brought it up, let’s review the list of the twelve steps detailed in the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous,” first published in 1939 by the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. (no relation), in collaboration with its co-founder, Dr. Bob, and, revise them as necessary to align with gift-giving inadequacy affliction (GGIA):
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. GGIA version: We kinda’ suck at gift-giving - not that it disrupts our lives, but, we do feel bad about it sometimes.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. GGIA version: Perhaps there is a business opportunity for a consultant to step-up and assist us in choosing appropriate gifts for others.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. GGIA version: We would happily abdicate responsibility for gift-giving to a third-party, if we believed he could do a better job than we can; but, let’s be clear, we’re not interested in giving up control over the things that we think we’re pretty good at, such as: Wordle, cultivating roses, and developing snarky adaptations of long-standing, well-respected literature.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. GGIA version: Too much introspection is not good for your psyche.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. GGIA version: We’ve admitted our shortcomings in this very column of Rule of Three, which reaches a vast audience - we can check this one off the list, no?
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. GGIA version: Again, we’re offering-up only the gift-giving disconnect; there are a number of other character defects which we’ve become quite fond of, and which we’d like to retain.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. GGIA version: Asked Him? Him, whom? Oh right, the God thing. If my math is good, fully six of the 12 steps (that’s 50%) lean pretty heavily on God. Now, I’m not sure what kind of time the big guy has on his hands these days, but A.A. seems to be putting a lot on his plate - makes me wonder when he would be able to get to the pressing business of relieving the gift-giving satisfaction gap issue.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. GGIA version: Now, do I just include those who have cringed in horror as they opened my gift to them, or must I assume that everyone who has ever received a gift from me belongs on the list? And, what about those who have likely returned these gifts, and secured something with the proceeds that they really wanted? Should I ask for receipts, as I am compiling the list? So many questions. . .
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. GGIA version: It’s unlikely that these people would entrust me to replace a terrible gift with something they would enjoy, so are we talking about providing them with the cash-value, with which they could purchase an appropriate gift for themselves? That seems kind of impersonal, no?
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. GGIA version: Hallmark probably sells “Amends” greeting cards, which could be attached to each gift, stating, for example: “Happy Birthday - even though I mean well, I am a terrible gift-giver, and it’s likely you’ll wish to return this gift, or exchange it for something you actually want.” I think the “Amends” section is located on the greeting card rack between the “Get Well Soon” cards and the “Congratulations” cards.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. GGIA version: Or, you could turn to God’s own instruction manual - you know, the Bible, which has significantly more than twelve steps in it.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. GGIA version: Once I have acquired solid gift-giving credentials, I will be sure to attempt to share my secrets with others.
Why do I admit to my gift-giving shortcomings? you might ask. Because I’d like to share with you the details of an awesome gift which I recently received, from a dedicated and thoughtful Rule of Three reader.
As you may recall, a recent Rule of Three column, a link to which is helpfully attached below, suggested an alternative Advent calendar, replete with Chuck Taylor Converse All-Star Classic High-Top Sneakers, including a customized sample shoe, which I designed myself on the converse.com website, and which I deemed the “ugliest shoe ever designed.”
Well, my friends, take a look at the picture atop this column. That’s right - faithfully executing on my design template, Emily Drees, of Broomfield, Colorado, ordered-up a pair of these one-of-a-kind shoes, and made a gift of them to me - thanks, Emily!
And, she even effectively branded them on the upper heel strip with”Rule #3” (you know. . .”Amuse yourself”) - mission accomplished!
Emily, who, in addition to being a dedicated and thoughtful Rule of Three reader, doubles as my daughter, has always been a considerate gift-giver. One such gift she provided to me and my wife a few years ago was a handmade, wooden scoring-device, intended to help us keep score of our lifetime game of gin (the card-game, not the alcoholic beverage), which might not sound very interesting, but, given that my wife and I have played over six thousand such games so far, has become a key part of our relationship.
Another one of our children has also demonstrated solid gift-giving skills. Patrick has gifted me numerous books over the years, recognizing that I am a voracious (if, deliberate) reader. And, I can recall his thoughtfulness years ago, when he wrapped up a commemorative Pennsylvania state quarter (our home state at the time) as a gift for his sister, who was collecting all the commemorative state quarters, and was struggling to locate a Pennsylvania quarter - sacrificing this one from his own collection - selfless!
I guess what I am learning about the art of great gift-giving while crafting this column is that the gift-giver should pay attention to the interests of the gift recipient, and target gifts which feature a specific interest. Sounds simple, huh?
But, certainly, the key takeaway from all of this is very simple: The next time I design an imaginary product, it’ll be a Lamborghini. Are you listening, Emily?