Wanna' Bet?

The proliferation of gambling provides endless opportunities to lose money.

Ed. note: Fanduel, DraftKings and BetMGM may, or may not have been approached with a proposal to sponsor this week’s award-winning column; alas, this week’s column remains unsponsored. If you’d like to sponsor a future Rule of Three column, simply drop us a line at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, and indicate your interest, and maybe suggest a potential column topic, because, you know, clearly we’re running out of ideas.

The house always wins. Let me repeat that: The house always wins. For the dedicated, Spanish-speaking, Rule of Three readership segment: La casa siempre gana. And, for Ippei Mizuhara, baseball star Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter, who allegedly stole more than $16 million from Ohtani, to fuel his (shockingly unlucky) gambling habit: 家は常に勝ちます。.

Whether the house is Bellagio, The Venetian or Caesar’s Palace, or FanDuel, DraftKings or BetMGM, or a thick, no-necked guy named Vinnie, the house always wins.

Betting used to be confined to casinos in Las Vegas or Atlantic City, but can now be enjoyed from the comfort of your own couch, thanks to relaxed gambling restrictions and the development of smartphone apps. It seems as if elderly gamblers attached to portable oxygen machines comprise roughly 85% of those patrons who continue to visit casinos in person - perhaps those casinos are offering free oxygen tank refills, along with the free soft drinks.

The amount of money wagered via legal sports betting operations in the U.S. increased in 2023 by 27.5%, to almost $120 billion, earning operators nearly $11 billion in revenue, higher by 44.5%. Illegal sports betting is estimated to amount to roughly 50% of those amounts. Clearly, sports betting is big business.

And, major sports leagues, including the NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL have embraced sports betting, and inked deals with gambling partners. Think back to the “Black Sox Scandal,” surrounding the 1919 World Series, and more recently, the banning of all-time hits leader, Pete Rose, for life from Major League Baseball, for gambling infractions. We’ve come a long way, baby!

I’m sure all of us can understand placing a bet on the outcome of a game - you know, winning the bet if the team we choose wins the game. We can also probably appreciate the fact that the team that is favored must win by a certain number of points in order for the bet to pay off - beating the “point spread” - the reason that TV sports viewers yell at the TV screen about a seemingly meaningless last-minute touchdown by the losing team, even though they’re still going to lose by twenty-one points. . .because the point spread was 22 points.

But, what of those increasingly popular “prop bets,” which have become especially noteworthy with regard to Super Bowl betting?

These creative prop bets which were offered for the 2024 Super Bowl included:

• Length of the National Anthem - the over/under was 87.5 seconds in 2024 (I wonder how Francis Scott Key would feel about this one?).

• Coin toss - heads or tails - theoretically a 50/50 proposition.

• The jersey number of the first player to score a touchdown in the game.

• Number of challenges initiated by coaches - the over/under was 1.5 in 2024.

• The color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach’s head - orange, purple, blue, yellow-lime or other color.

• The number of Super Bowl commercials with a dog in it (umm. . .all of them?)

• Whether or not there will be a wardrobe malfunction during the halftime show (thanks, Janet Jackson, with an assist from Justin Timberlake during the 2005 halftime show).

• How many times Taylor Swift would be shown during the TV telecast (thanks, Travis Kelce).

• A player or coach crying during the playing of the National Anthem (presumably not because it ran longer than 87.5 seconds, and they lost a bet).

These are all interesting bets, but what if you’re not much of a football fan? Are there other things for which you might find it interesting to place a bet? Rule of Three offers these suggestions, which you may wish to run past your bookie, to see what kind of action he’s willing to offer you:

• Number of U.S. legislators charged with crimes during the next twelve months - the over/under is 12.

• The next spinoff installment to be aired in “The Bachelor” reality TV show series - this genre has included: “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” “Bachelor Pad,” “Bachelor in Paradise,” “Bachelor in Paradise: After Paradise,” “The Bachelor Winter Games,” “The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart,” “The Bachelor: The Greatest Seasons - Ever!,” “The Golden Bachelor,” and “The Golden Bachelorette” - the smart money for spinoffs is on: “The Teen Bachelor,” “Non-Binary Bachelor” and “Canine Bachelor (No bitches!)”.

• The amount of money wagered via legal sports betting operations in the U.S. in 2024 - what, too meta?

You have no excuse for not gambling away the mortgage money, or for not plunging yourself deeply into debt, or for not being hounded by a thick, no-necked guy named Vinnie for that five-hundred bucks you owe him - it’s simply too easy.

Rule of Three Gambling Advice

Yesterday, I stumbled across the list of horses running in today’s Kentucky Derby. One of the horses is named “Honor Marie,” so named because he was sired by “Honor Code,” paired with the mare, “Dame Marie.” I have written several times about my old friend, Marie Vogt, who founded the Toledo Ballet in 1939, and who died a few years ago at the age of ninety-nine, including this column posted in December, 2021. . .

The name, “Honor Marie” spoke to me, and so, in honor of my friend, Marie Vogt, I placed a hefty bet on that horse in today’s Kentucky Derby; I suggest you do the same. Oh, yeah, “Honor Marie” is running in today’s race in the face of 20-1 odds, so, if he doesn’t win the race, don’t blame me; if he does win, you’re welcome. And, thanks, Marie!

Life is a gamble, but Rule of Three can be counted on to hit your inbox every Saturday - simply click the button below to subscribe - it's free, man!