As we approach summertime, many families plan to gather for family reunions. The United Kingdom’s Royal Family has gotten the jump on you, by hosting its own family reunion just this past weekend (a/ka/ “Platinum Jubilee”), but there’s still plenty of time for you to get together this summer.
I’ve been invited to only a couple of what might be characterized family reunions over the years, so my personal sample-size is pretty small. But, as you know, limited knowledge has never stopped me from offering advice, grounded in nothing more than brief visits to random websites, opinions culled from countless hours of viewing TV reruns, and pure imagination.
Thus it is that I provide you with this timely, specific, and valuable advice regarding family reunions.
The first thing to consider is the venue. Options abound, including trips to tropical resorts, gatherings at local banquet halls, or cookouts at nearby municipal parks. Let’s be honest, the event budget will dictate which option you choose. And, just to be clear, I have highlighted the choices in descending order of event cost: i.e. a few days for thirty or forty guests in a tropical resort location likely commands a larger investment than a hundred hotdogs and buns necessary for a successful cookout outing at the local park. When preparing your budget for hotdogs and buns, do keep in mind the widely-reported mismatch between the number of hotdogs in a package, and the number of buns housed in their own package: a package of hotdogs typically includes ten hotdogs, and buns are generally sold eight to a pack. So, you’ll have to deploy your fourth-grade math skills in order to place the proper order.
Once you have landed on a location, you should consider invitations. Again, there is a wide range in options on this front. Invitations can be quite formal, resembling wedding invitations, with raised lettering, and a choice of dinner options, including beef, chicken, or fish. Of course, if you have opted for the cookout at a nearby municipal park, that portion of the invitation should be revised to reflect “hotdog” (and, “bun,” assuming that you have properly executed your hotdog and bun order, utilizing your fourth-grade math skills). And, if the cookout option has been chosen, you might consider mass-producing a flyer, printed on brightly colored paper, which will likely resemble those “Lost Dog!” flyers stapled to telephone poles all over town. A word of caution: that mode of delivery is not recommended in this instance, because it is likely to attract people who are not actually family members to the event, and, inadvertently, not reach those who actually are family members.
Now, on to the guest list. Family reunions are intended to be all-inclusive, even that douchebag cousin, who lives in Arkansas, and doesn’t believe in basic hygiene, or that 94-year-old aunt in Mississippi, who insists that you drive down there to pick her up, and deliver her to the reunion, because, after all, she changed your diapers that one time, when your family traveled to Florida years ago, and you owe her, or that brother-in-law, who is (gasp!) a lifelong Cardinals fan. Yep, you gotta’ invite them all.
Something to consider for the gang, once you’ve gathered them all together: team uniforms, which will serve the dual purpose of promoting a sense of belonging for the entire group, and also to serve as a source of amusement for outsiders with whom you come into contact. Most family reunions feature a t-shirt, announcing, “The Jacobson Clan - Des Moines - 2021!” or something like that (Note: feel free to edit that suggestion to suit your specific family, you know, if your family is not named “The Jacobsons,” or if your gathering is not going to be held in Des Moines, or if it is no longer 2021). But, might I suggest a unique angle, which might satisfy the first purpose described above, but which would most definitely provide significant fodder for achieving the second goal: matching Crocs! Heh, heh.
Party games are a must for this type of gathering, in order to ensure that the most reserved family members feel included. Cornhole is always a crowd-pleaser, although I admit that, if you’ve crafted a fancy dress-dinner gathering, it may not be appropriate. It might be fun to guess which guest has traveled the furthest to join the gathering (Harry and Meghan had that one pretty much locked up at the Queen’s recent event), or to anoint the “Dirtiest Car in the Parking Lot,” much as every stadium or arena in the nation does at every single game. And, don’t forget Mad-Libs - they never disappoint.
In order to properly memorialize this momentous occasion, a keepsake photo is a must. And, don’t worry if the official photo isn’t perfect - don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, as Voltaire said. I think Voltaire’s maxim had the FDA in mind: the FDA specifies in its “Food Defect Levels Handbook” just how much mouse poop (technically termed, “mammalian excreta”) is allowable in your oregano, and other spices (one milligram, if you’re interested) - oh, my apologies, were you not finished eating breakfast, yet? So, the law of averages dictates that roughly 3% of the subjects in a group photo containing twenty or more people will be pictured picking their nose; 4% will be frowning, or crying; and 12% will have their eyes closed. At least it will be an accurate historical record. By the way, I wonder which of the Queen’s family was pictured with their eyes closed? My money’s on Prince Andrew. (I know, you were probably more interested in which members of the Royal Family registered on the first two counts).
I’m glad that the team here at Rule of Three was able to share these valuable tips with you, in order that you can mount a successful family reunion this summer. I feel badly that we were not able to equip the Queen with these tools in advance of her soiree - I think she missed a golden (er, platinum) opportunity by not ordering up Crocs for the entire family.
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