We'd Prefer That You Come to the Show Naked
Concert venues have a long list of prohibited items.
If you’ve been to a concert recently, you have no doubt encountered new guidelines regarding what to bring, or not to bring to the concert with you. I refer, of course, to those venues which require COVID-19 vaccination cards, or recent negative COVID-19 tests, in order to attend a concert. Masks may also be part of that equation these days.
But, concert venues have published lists of prohibited items for many years now, in an attempt to prevent concertgoers from deriving any enjoyment whatsoever from the concert experience. I’m kidding - their lists are intended, for the most part, to limit their liability, should fans inadvertently maim, or kill themselves, or other fans. As a public service, I have compiled a list of commonly prohibited items, which include:
Bags & Backpacks - one bag policy I examined indicated that a bag must be no larger than 4.5” x 6.5”, presumably to enable the wearer to carry a handful of twenty-dollar bills, and a credit card, and exactly two Ritz crackers. Sorry, Paris Hilton, no designer dog is going to fit in that purse. A larger bag (12” x 12”) was allowed, as long as it was of a clear design, made either of plastic, vinyl, or PVC. . .wait, what? A PVC-purse? That is certainly fashion-forward.
Food or Beverage - I’ll sum-up this policy in one simple word: money! You’re bringing it in your slimline purse, and the venue wishes to accept the transfer of all of it before the evening is out. And, they might find a way to secure your two Ritz crackers to boot!
Selfie Sticks, Monopods, or Tripods - in my opinion, selfie sticks should be prohibited from existing, but that’s just me. Now, I understand the science behind the tripod, but, what exactly is a monopod? Wouldn’t that contraption, by definition, simply fall over, owing to gravity?
Umbrellas (this is an outdoor venue) - having once sacrificed a nice, gray umbrella with a wooden shaft to the University of Michigan football gods before entering the Big House, I do understand the need to ban umbrellas in a congested outdoor space, especially those golf umbrellas, which comfortably cover a family of four, plus the dog, and the family minivan, because they are guilty of severe encroachment upon the personal space of the rest of us, but what amused me was the helpful suggestion attached to this prohibition, which recommended the use of a poncho instead. Is this venue in bed with the poncho manufacturers syndicate? Why not a slicker, or a trench coat, or those mustard-yellow raincoats and hats, and black, buckled boots we used to wear back in the 1960’s as kids?
Hula Hoops - wait, is this 1955? Unless Sha Na Na is performing on the bill, I don’t see the need to enforce this particular prohibition.
Pets - again, it seems as if this policy is in place simply to ensure that Paris Hilton will not attend this concert.
Stickers, Markers, or Paint - damn! What if I had just swung by Home Depot on my way to the concert, in order to pick up a gallon of paint, with the intention of touching-up the downstairs powder-room the next day? Ganging errand trips is a proven productivity tool, you know.
Fidget-Spinners, Yo-Yo’s, or Hacky-Sacks - like I said, these guys just don’t want you to have any fun - although, these toys are at least slightly more topical than Hula Hoops.
Unlabeled Medication or Illegal Drugs - collectively, The Grateful Dead are rolling over in their grave (I know Jerry Garcia is dead, but I’m not sure about the other guys - if not, then this statement should be amended to read, “those of the Grateful Dead who are in fact already dead are rolling over in their graves, but those who remain alive are rolling their eyes.”) - I mean, a rock concert without drugs? C’mon, man!
Carabiners - that is a really unusual item to single-out for exclusion - does this venue attract an extraordinarily large number of rock-climbers?
Inflatables - are you picturing, as I am, fifteen guys stepping through the turnstile, each clutching a rope attached to a spot on the Woody Woodpecker balloon from Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Man, that would be awesome!
Signs, Flyers, and Totems - now, nobody wants to have the guy with the “John: 3:16” sign standing in front of them during the entire show, but I’m going to need a bit more clarity regarding what exactly is meant by, “totem” - I suspect they’re not referring to a Native American object - banning such an item might land the venue in hot water, facing discrimination charges.
Masks - this one doesn’t seem particularly timely, given what masks mean these days. Perhaps it’s a vestige of the days when the only guys wearing masks on a daily basis were professional wrestlers, and who wants those guys at the concert?
I have to imagine that each of these items found their way onto this list of prohibited items because, at one time or another, someone attempted to bring them into the venue. But, what about those items which no one has yet attempted to bring along with them? What might those items be, which will no doubt then find their way onto the dreaded list? I can envision a few:
A Vuvuzela - I just like saying, “Vuvuzela,” but those long plastic horns, which apparently are ubiquitous at South African football matches, are pretty annoying, and have been tied to permanent hearing loss. Frequent concertgoers probably already have permanent hearing loss, due to the high-decibel level maintained at most concerts, so no risk there.
Your Little Brother - I know it was painful for my brother having to drag his little brother (me!) to a Chicago/Beach Boys concert at the old Chicago Stadium back in 1975, along with his date and his buddies and their dates, but I appreciate it, Dave, and it was a great concert - thanks, man!
A Live Goat - perhaps no one has yet attempted to attend a concert at this particular venue with a live goat, but, I’m here to tell you, this did happen, in 1945, at Game Four of the World Series, at Wrigley Field, in Chicago. That’s right, the famous “Curse of the Billy Goat” originated on that day, when the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, William Sianis, brought his pet goat, Murphy, along with him to the game at Wrigley Field. Apparently, the goat was pestering other fans, so Sianis, and his goat were asked to leave. His parting shot (Sianis’, not the goat’s - the goat’s parting shot was likely to eat an Andy Frain usher’s hat) was, “Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna’ win no more.” Well, that curse persisted, and wasn’t broken until 2016, when the Cubs finally won the World Series, after enduring a fallow period of one-hundred-seven years, the longest run of any team ever. I don’t want to hear from poor Red Sox fans, who logged only eighty-five years between World Series titles, or, and I didn’t realize this, because, you know, it’s only the White Sox, so who cares, but those White Sox went dark for eighty-seven years. I presume the Billy Goat Tavern (you know, the “Cheezborger, Cheezborger” place parodied by Saturday Night Live in their early days in the late 1970’s) still operates, underground, on Lower Wacker Drive, in Chicago - I haven’t been there for years - a colleague of mine (we worked aboveground, at the Chicago Sun-Times) used to drag me there for lunch - the place had great atmosphere (thanks in part to the venerated, Chicago-based columnist, Mike Royko, who also frequently voiced a Chicago neighborhood character, Slats Grobnik), but the burgers were crappy.
Given the great pains taken by concert venues to limit their liability by banning an ever-growing list of items, perhaps it would be simpler for them to require all attendees to come to the concert naked, eliminating the possibility of prohibited items being snuck in somehow. Or, maybe that new PVC-based clothing line will catch on.