You Only Gave Me Four Stars?

I really just wanted a rubberstamp endorsement.

Friends, I have a confession to make: I believe that I am violating Rule No. 2 (you know: “Don’t be a douchebag.”), because I am a terrible Google 5-star rating system reviewer. Oh sure, I could lay blame for my shortcoming with this task on not fully understanding the “ask,” but the truth is, I take my role seriously, and do not wish to become a rubberstamp endorsement for any particular business; no, I set out to provide honest, thoughtful feedback.

But, that’s not what businesses want - they want the rubberstamp thing. Which is why I believe that I have become a serial Rule No. 2 violator.

I have recently responded to rating requests from two separate businesses (I know, like you, I believe that three is the magic number, but I’m not willing to wait for that third shoe to drop - wait, what? Who is this freak of nature with three feet?), seeking my input/endorsement. The first was from a small law firm I recently engaged to work with me and my wife to update our wills, which were first prepared over thirty years ago. The second was an Etsy-based business which created customized clothing for me. I indicated above that these were two separate businesses, but, upon reflection, there might be some natural synergy, if these two were to combine forces: perhaps t-shirts featuring the slogan, “Where there’s a will, there’s Sullivan, Morehouse & Feldstein,” or boilerplate language on the Etsy site indicating that the customized clothing business was not responsible for spelling errors when producing customized garments, such as reflecting “Rule of Thee,” rather than “Rule of Three.”

I think these are the first two rating requests to which I have responded, and they just might be the last. I provided ratings of four stars to each business, because I was generally satisfied with the services provided, and I took the opportunity to include a brief narrative, praising their efforts, highlighting positive details specific to my experience.

And, how was I rewarded for my efforts? The principals of each of these two businesses emailed me with very similar messages, indicating that (I’m paraphrasing here): Four stars is the kiss of death; How could you not have awarded us five stars? What could we have possibly done to earn that fifth star? When did you quit taking your medication? Because of your missing fifth star, little Timmy will have to go without shoes this year; I fervently hope that your car is hit with bird droppings right after you exit the car wash (these two were mean to me, but they’re not monsters).

I painstakingly crafted an emailed response to the small law firm, highlighting that I thought my review was very positive, and should have a beneficial effect on their business. I also responded to one of their specific questions (no, not the one about medication): the one asking why I didn’t award them five stars. Because they had done the math, yielding the equivalence of 80% attached to four stars, I outlined my stance regarding not awarding them five stars, or a 100% score. I pointed out that five stars implied perfection, and rhetorically asked, “Who among us is perfect?” I revealed that I considered myself a lifelong learner, and felt that, even at the tender age of sixty-four, I still had much to learn, including, as my two-year-old granddaughter recently pointed out, how to properly load a toddler into a playground swing.

In the unlikely event that I respond to a future request to rate the performance of a business, it seemed as if it would be useful to roleplay a couple of scenarios - take it for a spin, if you will. Here are the results of those tests:

Our Lady of Perpetual Collections Church - Rating: Four stars - As a longtime member of OLPCC, I enjoy very much the services presided over by Father Tim - he delivers a solid sermon without getting too deep in the Biblical weeds. And, I appreciate that they continue to serve wine to parishioners, rather than grape juice - I mean, let’s face it, grape juice is such a cop-out, man!

U.S. House Representative John P. Blunderman, IV - Rating: Four stars - The Honorable Mr. Blunderman has ably represented the 27th district for twenty-six years now, and he has never disappointed me or my neighbors. I mean, sure, that indictment thing a few years ago was a bit of a distraction, but nobody was able to prove that the vacation homes he built in Aruba and West Palm Beach and Carmel were anything other than the result of hard work and solid investment strategies after years of tireless work on behalf of his constituents. And, okay, I get it, being filmed in a Holiday Inn hotel room, just off the interstate, in the company of an exotic dancer, whose son just graduated from dental school, might lead some to believe that their representative was somehow involved in something a bit shady. But, his loving wife has steadfastly stood by him, so why shouldn’t we?

AAA Landscaping Services, LLC (Local - Rating: Four stars - We do appreciate the fine job performed by Manny and his crew with AAA Landscaping - it usually only takes three or four reminder phone calls, accompanied by a like number of emails and texts to encourage the team to come out to our house and cut our lawn, as we contracted with them to do. And, during the twelve minutes they are on-site, racing around our yard on their ride-on mowers, they are nothing but true professionals, spraying grass clippings hither and yon. For a measly $125/week, I can’t expect them to bag grass clippings, or edge our sidewalks or trench our plant beds, can I? Performing those tasks myself allows me to get outdoors, and enjoy some much-needed sunshine. AAA Landscaping - you guys are the best!

So, do you think that these three businesses would be pleased with my ratings review, and feature them prominently on their websites? Yeah, you’re right - I should probably stay out of the ratings review business; there are plenty of rubberstamp endorsers out there - apparently this is no place for honesty.

Feel free to offer your ratings review of Rule of Three in the comments section below - I hope we can count on you for a five-star rating. You’ll just have to put the whole Rule No. 2 violator thing aside while you craft your review.

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