An Open Letter to Lorne Michaels
In which the (potentially) award-winning columnist makes a pitch to host SNL.
Lorne Michaels
Creator & Executive Producer
Saturday Night Live
December 23, 2023
Dear Lorne:
I am a longtime fan of Saturday Night Live (“SNL”), especially of such iconic sketches as: “The Coneheads;” “Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood;” “Wayne’s World;” “The Blues Brothers;” “Dick-in-a-Box;” “Church Lady;” “Schweddy Balls;” “Colonel Angus;” “Two Wild & Crazy Guys;” “Chippendales Audition;” “Debbie Downer;” and “More Cowbell.”
At SNL’s inception in 1975, as a high-school sophomore, I was, by definition, right in the center of your target demographic for sophomoric humor. And, by the end of that first season, I and my classmates ensured that we were parked in front of a television set at 10:30 p.m. (Central Time), in order not to miss the latest SNL installment.
And, I’m impressed (mostly) with your choices for hosting the show during its forty-nine-year run, which has yielded 956 episodes to date. Hosts have ranged from the very first host, George Carlin, to last weekend’s host, former cast-member, Kate McKinnon. Seven-year-old Drew Barrymore hosted in 1982, while, at the other end of the age spectrum, Betty White hosted in 2010, at the age of 88.
Now, you’ve gone back to the well many times during those forty-nine years, and asked those who have already hosted the show to return and do it again. In fact, that propensity has resulted in the creation of the “Five-Timers Club,” a faux, exclusive, private club, complete with a club jacket, available to those who have hosted SNL at least five times. The club is currently populated by twenty-five members, including such luminaries as: Alec Baldwin, who has hosted 17 times; Steve Martin, who has hosted 16 times; John Goodman, with 13 hosting gigs; and Buck Henry (from the early days), and Tom Hanks, each of whom has hosted 10 times.
It’s difficult for me to quibble with these choices, as each of them is quite personable and engaging, and certain to attract significant viewership for SNL. And, many other hosts to whom you have turned over the years have proven to be capable stewards of the grand SNL tradition. You’ve tapped enduring celebrities such as: Paul Simon, Richard Pryor, Norman Lear, Elliott Gould, Richard Dreyfuss, Frank Zappa, Milton Berle, Martin Sheen, Rodney Dangerfield, Burt Reynolds and Bob Newhart - and that was just during the first five seasons. You’ve engaged many more in the ensuing forty-four seasons.
And, I understand your belief that you had to invite certain businesspeople and politicians to host, on occasion. Television is an advertiser-supported business, and friendly government officials can certainly have an impact as well. That would explain such hosts as: Ron Nessen, Ralph Nader, Julian Bond, Ed Koch, Brandon Tartikoff, Jesse Jackson, George Steinbrenner, Steve Forbes, John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, Al Sharpton, Al Gore, Donald Trump and Elon Musk.
Just between you and me, there are probably a few hosts you wish you hadn’t invited on stage, right? Perhaps O.J. Simpson, Gary Busey, Robert Blake, Sam Kinison, Mel Gibson, Andrew Dice Clay, Roseanne, Louis C.K. and Kevin Spacey. I mean, we all make mistakes, and there are bound to be a few hiccups along the way.
Which is why I’m taking the time to approach you, and offer my services. I’d be happy to host SNL whenever it’s convenient for you. Although I have had no formal sketch comedy training, neither did Tom Brady - you know what I’m saying?
But, I recognize that you might need some advice regarding how best to sell my hosting gig to the network sponsors. Well sir, here are a few solid reasons why you should hire me to host SNL in the near future:
I’m able to clear my schedule with relative ease - I have no current film-shoots to which I am committed, or national tours which I would have to work around.
Most SNL hosts appear because they are hawking a current project, always highlighted in their opening monologue - my project is the (potentially) award-winning weekly humor column, hosted by Substack: Rule of Three - I would be delighted to shamelessly promote Rule of Three in my opening monologue.
I also have an inventory of Rule of Three promotional swag, which I could share with the SNL cast and crew - I would need you to collect sizes, in order that I can properly outfit them with the right size t-shirts.
I’ve got no skeletons in my closet, which might cause you to regret tapping me to host - you know, I’ve never been accused of sexual assault, or murder or spouting antisemitic views.
I’m able to deliver Rule of Three’s dozens of dedicated subscribers to you, immediately spiking SNL’s viewership, during the show which I host - no guarantees that they would stick around to watch subsequent episodes.
Although Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin and John Goodman are terrific - I’m a big fan of each of them - perhaps you’ve trotted them out too often - I would be a refreshing change - a palette cleanser, if you will.
Currently residing in a city in the Eastern Time Zone, I would have absolutely no problem staying awake during the entire show, from opening monologue to the onstage farewell.
I am quite comfortable standing onstage, after the show, dispensing fake hugs and pretending to conduct small talk with cast members after the show.
And, speaking of cast members, I’m not likely to develop a relationship with an SNL staffer, which, I’m sure causes headaches for you, as Executive Producer - I’m looking at you, Colin Jost, and you too, Pete Davidson, and also you, Jason Sudeikis. Now, I’m not saying that I wouldn’t attend a post-show cast party - I’ve heard they can be pretty wild.
My name is easier to spell on a marquee and in promotional material than Zach Galifianakis.
I know I could do a better job than Michael Phelps - I mean, he’s an Olympic swimmer, for Chrissake!
So, Lorne, what do you think? Feel free to reach out to me at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com. I can be ready at a moment’s notice. Thanks for your kind consideration.
Best Regards,
Bill Southern
(Potentially) Award-Winning Columnist, Rule of Three
Boosting Rule of Three's subscriber numbers will certainly make for a more compelling argument in my discussions with Lorne regarding the SNL hosting gig - click the button right now to subscribe - it's free, man!
Lorne Michaels
First of all i like to give you the Utmost respect, your Amazing at what you do! Your are a legendary icon!!! (((i mean that!!!)))
You have an eye and a gift for what people need to and want to see!!!👏🤙👏
“You are asking yourself right now who is this maniac writing me????”Let me tell you who i am! i am Rob McNeal Jr, from Amish America a little town called HoneyBrook, Pennsylvania. I’m 44 years old. i don’t have a lot of money! My parents were poor, i am poor! They did the best they could, i learned their hard work habits! Anyway enough of that.
In 2018 my dad got me into the movie’s with “Creed2” Sylvester Stallone’s film. They were advertising it on the radio and he signed me up. Well four or 5 months had passed, i got a email from Heeryloftus asking if i was available. That’s how all this started!!! I don’t want anything just handed to me but since 2018 well 2019 since “21Bridges” because i found out then you need 3 SagAftra vouchers to join the union. This is where my passion began. I told myself ima do this for dad! “He started me why not fight and finish it for the Marine!” Later 2019 i did a film “The Trial of Chicago 7” Aaron Sorkin’s Filmfile:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/53/03/3F52F0BC-46FA-4D01-8D54-9DDA956B1A70/IMG_6383.PNG
Yes that my mug! GrantWilfley. They will not give me a union voucher? For some reason? They did not give me one for “the deuce”
file:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/69/09/18373629-A321-4206-BD45-83B3F903C7FF/IMG_8642.jpg
season two or three 2018 & 2019. I kept trying to get another voucher. I still need two more? I finished “the deuce”, did two independent films, “Slaughter Beach” and “Xknight”, both were very small lines. Xknight was a one liner and Slaughter Beach
file:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/fe/14/55AEF57F-B0CE-437A-930B-421D8CC70A33/IMG_8640.jpg
a couple lines and then i was killed off!🤣🤙
2020 was the covid19 scare. 2021 i did Adam Sandler’s movie “HUSTLE”,
file:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/ba/10/D7E5970C-F5CA-4CD5-B302-0681061ED6F9/IMG_8639.jpg
Then i did, “And Just Like That” and “raising Kanan” one i was trying to land a line in???? Tv show’s but something! Here in 2024 i got a second waiver in “TASK” out of Philadelphia! Recently i was in Bob Dylan’s movie in north Jersey, mountain side, GrantWilfley, no union vouchers! i need a little help. Every actor seems to need a little help! Well i need a lot! Everyone is now making fun of me and saying i can’t get into Hollywood. People are mean and rude anymore!? I am set out to prove everyone wrong and my dad right!!!
Idk Lorne, i know it’s a lot but I can do it! Oh and to top this all off I have type 1 diabetes and brain 🧠 damage. It’s not stopping me!
👇👇👇👇👇
https://youtu.be/dDeYhPpUFP4?si=XJyZd9Lv6cGtF8Zp
Dear Bill,
The list of writers who have hosted SNL is pretty short, but I've decided to make you a finalist for hosting duties, along with Salman Rushdie. Before I make my decision, I just have one question: have you written a Rule of Three column that resulted in a fatwa on your head and inspired a lunatic to stab you dozens of times?
Sincerely,
Lorne Michaels