Bowling Leagues Forming Now

Rule of Three is recruiting bowling team members.

I participated in an after-school bowling league at Bleser’s Bowling Academy, located in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette, in the late 1960’s. Since that time, I’ve probably bowled a grand total of four times. I had the unique pleasure of revisiting the lanes (no, not Bleser’s, which is now called, “Wilmette Bowling Center”) and rolling a couple of games.

My son, Tim, and his wife, Shaune, joined me on a recent outing to Mars Lanes, in Mars, Pennsylvania, a northern suburb of Pittsburgh. This bowling establishment is a true throwback to a simpler time: ten lanes, no electronic scoring (that’s right, you have to keep score yourself) and none of that disco, lightshow crap that was created in the 1980’s, in an attempt to stoke interest in bowling again.

We were greeted by the owner, Ruth, who maintains the cleanest throwback bowling establishment known to man, owing in part to her many admonitions to remove your shoes before entering the facility (see below). I didn’t take a picture of the men’s room, so you’ll simply have to take my word for it - it is the cleanest, most well-stocked men’s room (you know, with cleaning supplies and plungers and whatnot) one can imagine.

I had an opportunity to chat with Ruth, because, even though bowling math is pretty straightforward, I sought her scoring consulting services on a couple of occasions. She shared with me that some scenes from the 1996 film, Kingpin, had been filmed at Mars Lanes - that’s pretty cool, huh? Nice ‘do, Bill Murray! And, nice pants, Woody Harrelson!

As to the (Ruth-approved) scoring, as you can see by the commemorative scoresheet below, Shaune beat Tim and me in two out of two games (that’s 100% of the time, for those of you scoring at home); but, Tim and I don’t have those macho, testosterone-fueled hang-ups about a woman beating us in a sporting competition; although, thus far, Shaune has declined our challenge to an arm-wrestling match. Also, Tim edged me out in both games, so he was able to hang his hat on that Pyrrhic victory. And, even though I failed to clip one-hundred in the first game, I did achieve that extremely modest threshold in game two, logging a strike in the first frame, and adding a few spares.

I think a game at Mars Lanes costs $3.75, which would have seemed inexpensive even when Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid were mixing it up on the lanes in 1996. In addition, we had to rent the stylish shoes, modeled below by the third-place participant, who was also rocking the Rule of Three team colors.

Pictured below is my son, Tim, and his wife, Shaune, the big winner on the lanes, hefting the pink ball she deployed so expertly.

The picture atop this column is an actual exterior shot I took during our excursion there in December. I think the signage, reflecting only, “Bowl,” and no other branding identification, is truly sublime, and entirely befitting this throwback bowling establishment.

Inspired by our December adventure, Rule of Three is forming a bowling team for the upcoming season (in case you’re wondering, the season begins and ends whenever Rule of Three declares it to be). What do you say to every Tuesday night at 7:00? We’ll reserve lanes at Mars Lanes for the team.

Now, we recognize the far-flung geographic nature of our subscriber base, and realize that not every bowler will be able to join us in person at the appointed hour each week at Mars Lanes. Even given the bargain basement cost per game, when factoring in airfare, or travel by car, or the purchase of Slim Jim’s which Ruth sells at the bowling alley, the cost of a couple of weekly games could quickly become prohibitive.

The solution is easy: Bowl at your leisure, whenever you wish, and at whichever bowling alley you like. It doesn’t have to be on a Tuesday night at 7:00, it doesn’t have to be at Mars Lanes, and you don’t have to be gnawing on a Slim Jim between frames. All you need to do is provide your score via email to us at: RuleofThreeBS@gmail.com, whenever you compete on behalf of the team, and we’ll log it in our master database.

But, and I can’t stress this enough, we are the (virtual) Rule of Three Bowling Team, and we need to perform as one, and conduct ourselves in a manner befitting the proud Rule of Three traditions, to wit:

• Secure a beverage.

• Don’t be a douchebag.

• Amuse yourself.

Also, what is a team without team uniforms? The Rule of Three Apparel Design Team has come up with a winning design for team bowling shirts, the prototype of which I am sporting in the pictures below. I believe if I was properly attired in this shirt in December I would likely have added at least five pins to my score.

We’ve secured a supplier who is able to provide these custom-designed bowling shirts to outfit our team, for the reasonable price of $40.00 each (includes shipping and handling). All you have to do to join the (virtual) Rule of Three Bowling Team is drop us an email at: RuleofThreeBS@gmail.com, and indicate what size bowling shirt you would like to purchase (XS, S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, 4XL), and what name you would like embossed on the top left front of the shirt. We’ll share payment options with you at that time, which will include PayPal, Venmo and old-fashioned checks.

So, c’mon - join the team! We need to log some solid scores, in order to qualify for the annual “Substack Invitational Bowling Tournament.” I don’t know this for certain, but I have to believe that our primary competition will be: the Bowling Ball Shuffle team, or the Sobchak Security Substack team or the team from A Personal History of Bowling - tough competitors all, no doubt.

To those skeptics among you who are thinking that this (virtual) Rule of Three Bowling Team is a scam, or simply an attempt to sell custom-designed bowling shirts, let me assure you, that is patently absurd - there is very little margin in retro bowling shirts - much less than, say, in your average $399, gold, high-top sneaker.

If you find yourself in the Pittsburgh area, drop me a note, and I’ll drag you out to Mars Lanes to roll a few games. See you on the lanes (if only virtually)!

Yes, we hope you join the (virtual) Rule of Three Bowling Team, and jump on the incredible $40 bowling shirt offer, but, if you'd prefer to ride the "free, free, free" Rule of Three subscription express, simply click the button below to subscribe now - it's free, man!