Ed. note: In determining whether or not a particular theme or story is worthy of the “full monty” Rule of Three weekly column treatment, consideration is given not only to the likely appeal of the subject matter to readers, but also to the depth and breadth of the story to be told. Some subjects simply do not provide enough raw material to warrant a weekly column. But, as we believe with this piece, there might still be a compelling story to tell. Thus, Rule of Three is proud to announce an innovative, new product, which is being dubbed the “Columnette.” Please enjoy this initial “Columnette” offering, recognizing that Rule of Three intends to fulfill its weekly editorial mission by landing a fully-grown column in your inbox this Saturday, and for many more Saturdays to come.
I spent a few years, in the mid-1980’s, working for Beatrice Foods, in their corporate office in Chicago’s Loop. Beatrice had a tremendous lineup of consumer brands back then, including Dannon Yogurt, Tropicana, Samsonite, and Culligan. As a true conglomerate in those years, they also owned companies operating in many, disparate industries, including selling lawn sprinklers, marshmallows, and caps and gowns.
Vending machines in the office provided free Tropicana orange juice, and Dannon Yogurt; I don’t remember suitcases or water softeners being provided, but those items are more difficult to dispense from vending machines.
Beatrice merged with another Chicago-based company, named Esmark, in 1984, and the combined organization was subject, a year or so later, to the largest leveraged buyout at the time, valued at $8.7 billion, which was executed by Kohlberg Kravis Roberts (KKR). That deal was eclipsed about six months later by another KKR deal, this one involving R.J. Reynolds, worth an estimated $25 billion.
But, I digress. The Esmark acquisition brought a number of extremely valuable consumer brands into the Beatrice Foods stable, including: Swift-Eckrich, Hunt-Wesson, Avis Rent-A-Car, Playtex, and Jensen Electronics.
One of Swift-Eckrich’s most popular products was the Butterball turkey. So, that first year after the Esmark acquisition, all corporate office employees were provided with a twenty-pound, frozen, Butterball turkey as a gift at Thanksgiving. Which, let’s face it, is a really nice gift.
The challenge, of course, for railroad train commuters such as me, was transporting this bulky item, along with my briefcase, during my brisk walk to the train station (always brisk, because I was always late in leaving the office, and had to race to Northwestern station to catch my train), and travel on the train, and the final walk home from the train station in Chicago’s northern suburb of Evanston. I can also empathize with my colleagues who traveled via the CTA’s El, buses or the subway, because those modes of transport are typically more jostle-filled experiences, and lack the overhead storage racks available on a train, upon which can be stored overcoats, briefcases, or twenty-pound, frozen Butterball turkeys.
Now, I don’t remember if any of my fellow commuters were staring at my unusual package (as I type that phrase, I am reminded of the importance of context in all writing or storytelling endeavors), or if any of them made a comment along the lines of the headline of this piece - it was nearly forty years ago, for Chrissake!
But, as you read the headline, before beginning the story, you may have had in the back of your mind a cruel insult lobbed at an overweight young man, traveling on a train, by fellow passengers.
The following Thanksgiving, if memory serves, the company determined that lugging a twenty-pound, frozen Butterball turkey on a train was impractical, and provided coupons to all corporate office staffers, which could be exchanged for a free twenty-pound, frozen Butterball turkey at their local Jewel or Dominick’s grocery store.
But, let’s face it, a column headlined, “Butterball Coupon on a Train” wouldn’t have been as likely as this one to grab your attention.
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Bill, way to mix it up.
I ask the ROT editorial board if Columnette the correct label ? Columnette or Colonnette?
A colonnette is a small slender column. usually decorative.
The term columnette has also been used to refer to thin columns.
I guess it depends on whether you want to “small and slender” or “thin”.
The -ette suffix, from French language, is a diminutive, which can also have a condescending connotation: in our case, it shifts the meaning from column to small column or fake columns.
Clearly your columnette is not fake as Turkeys, Trains and Chicago are all real items