"Don't Have a Cow, Man!"
Lessons learned by Bart Simpson (conveyed by writing them one hundred times on a chalkboard).
The Simpsons is the longest-running, scripted, American, primetime TV series (I know, that sounds like a heavily-qualified, limited accomplishment, but, trust me, it’s not - it’s a quite prestigious honor), having aired for a total of 763 episodes over the course of 35 seasons - it is still running on Fox, after all these years. I haven’t seen the show in many years, but I watched some episodes years ago, when searching for an inappropriate show to watch with my kids - you know, maybe when Beavis and Butt-Head wasn’t on.
As you likely know, the dysfunctional Simpson family unit is headed by the buffoonish Homer and his wife, Marge, and includes: ten-year-old prankster, Bart; Lisa, an 8-year-old budding activist; and Maggie, the baby, who doesn’t speak, but theatrically sucks on a pacifier.
The opening sequence includes a shot of Bart (an example is memorialized above) writing something on a classroom chalkboard - no doubt sentenced to write a specific phrase one hundred times on the chalkboard by his teacher, as punishment for a specific transgression.
The second episode, which aired in January, 1990, began this grand tradition, with Bart writing: “I will not waste chalk.” Simple and subtle, yet sublime.
The most recent example cited was deployed in an episode airing in May, 2023 (the 750th episode), which features Bart, writing, “I will not try to cram 750 characters into the opening credits.”
The Rule of Three research team loves a challenge, such as combing through thirty five years of content, in order to support this column’s effort to identify the best examples of Bart’s lessons learned over the years. And, by “. . .loves a challenge. . .,” I mean that they tried to determine a way to accomplish the assigned task by expending as little energy as possible, enabling them to get back to lounging on the couch, munching Doritos and binge-watching The Dick Van Dyke Show reruns.
So, that’s where ChatGPT comes in.
ChatGPT’s response to the question, “What are the ten best chalkboard phrases appearing in the opening sequence of The Simpsons, written on the chalkboard by Bart Simpson? is as follows:
The opening sequence of The Simpsons often features Bart Simpson writing humorous phrases on the chalkboard as a form of punishment. While there isn't an official "top ten" list of these phrases, as they change with each episode, here are ten memorable ones from various episodes:
"I will not waste chalk."
"I will not skateboard in the halls."
"I will not instigate revolution."
"I will not sell land in Florida."
"I will not fake seizures."
"I will not aim for the head."
"I will not pledge allegiance to Bart."
"I will not encourage others to fly."
"I will not burp in class."
"I will not bring sheep to class."
These are just a few examples, and there are many more witty and memorable phrases Bart has written on the chalkboard throughout the show's long history.
As I indicated above, I think that the very first one used (the “chalk” one) was pretty funny - ChatGPT agreed with me. And, I can get on board with most of the others it has chosen to appear in its “Top Ten.”
But, in the interest of practicing good old-fashioned “shoe leather” journalism (alright, my brand of journalism might more accurately be described as “sedentary keyboard banging journalism”), I decided to perform my own research, and share my findings with you.
The following are some of the soundbites which I found most amusing:
“They are laughing at me, not with me.”
“Tar is not a plaything.”
“I will not trade pants with others.”
“I will not sell school property.”
“I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.”
“I am not a dentist.”
“Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.”
“I will not conduct my own fire drills.”
“Funny noises are not funny.”
“I will not bury the new kid.”
“The principal’s toupee is not a frisbee.”
“No one is interested in my underpants.”
“I do not have diplomatic immunity.”
“The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.”
“I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.”
“Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.”
“There are plenty of businesses like show business.”
“I will not send lard through the mail.”
“My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.”
“I will not strut around like I own the place.”
“I do not have power of attorney over first graders.”
“Bewitched does not promote Satanism.”
“I am not certified to remove asbestos.”
“I did not learn everything I need to know from kindergarten.”
“I will not hide the teacher's Prozac.”
“A fire drill does not demand a fire.”
“Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related.”
“I was not the inspiration for ‘Kramer’.”
“I will not file frivolous lawsuits.”
“I will not scream for ice cream.”
“Grammar is not a time of waste.”
“I have neither been there nor done that.”
“Fridays are not ‘pants optional’.”
“I won't not use no double negatives.”
“I will not sell my kidney on eBay.”
“Class clown is not a paid position.”
“Substitute teachers are not scabs.”
“My suspension was not ‘mutual’.”
“Dodgeball stops at the gym door.”
“‘Non-flammable’ is not a challenge.”
“I cannot hire a substitute student.”
“I will only provide a urine sample when asked.”
“The nurse is not dealing.”
“Science class should not end in tragedy.”
“This school does not need a ‘regime change’.”
“Sandwiches should not contain sand.”
“The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens.”
“Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas.”
“‘March Madness’ is not an excuse for missing school.”
“Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present.”
“Batman is not 'nothing' without his utility belt.”
“My school schedule does not include a bye week.”
“Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken.”
“Studying is not 'appropriating nerd culture'.”
“I will not ask my guidance counselor why he couldn't get a better job.”
“My pre-Christmas behavior really helps the coal industry.”
“My new year's resolution was to quit school.”
“Daylight savings isn't something I can spend.”
“I will stop reminding the principal I have a later bedtime than he does.”
So, there you have it: Rule of Three’s “Top 59 Opening Sequence Chalkboard Phrases.” Do you agree with our choices, or do you have your own nominations?
Regardless, we are impressed with the quality of the work generated by the “chalkboard phrase writer” for The Simpsons over these many years. Although, in fairness, you or I probably could have crafted at least fifty-nine solid soundbites, given 35 years to do so.
Because this job sounds like a fun gig (taking a full week to develop one single amusing phrase for the chalkboard), we are herewith throwing our hat in the ring for the job of “chalkboard phrase writer” for The Simpsons, you know, for when the current writer croaks, or retires to Florida. By the way, do you offer dental coverage? How about a 401k? The producers of The Simpsons will likely want to review our portfolio before moving forward with this important hiring decision; below is a sample of suggested phrases we have developed in anticipation of accepting this job offer:
“The SEC has not granted me the ability to sell shares of stock in Springfield Elementary School Corp.”
“I will not whisper to classmates, ‘We’re busting out of here at 11:30 - are you with us?’”
“‘Bart’s Personal Slush Fund’ is not a 501(c)(3) organization duly registered with the IRS.”
Good news! We have already heard back from the producers of The Simpsons - things are moving forward quickly:
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
“Sending an email containing a couple of soundbite suggestions does not constitute a legally-binding contract.”
We're not asking you to write "I will click the button to subscribe to Rule of Three" on the chalkboard 100 times - simply click the button below to subscribe - it's free, man!
Clever post - thanks for the introduction to The Simpsons. . One of my claim to fames is that I have never watched an episode of the The Simplsons, a record I like to keep if I am ever in a game of "Never Have I Ever." or "Two Truths and a Lie."
Totally down with watching reruns of Dick Van Dyke, but with a box of Wheat Thins, not Doritos.
I see what you did there…