Going to the Movies

Even if the movie is bad, there's still popcorn.

I went to a bad movie last weekend. I think my expectations are fairly mainstream when it comes to the movie-going experience - I don’t ask much. I look for a compelling storyline, and imaginative acting, and gratuitous nudity. Nah, I’m kidding about that last one - the nudity should absolutely support the story arc. Nah, I’m kidding again - I would probably swap-in “thoughtful direction” for the third imperative. Well, I’m here to tell you, this movie misfired on all three cylinders - it was one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a very long time (and, zero gratuitous nudity, for that matter). Plus, it sported a very long, incongruous title. And, my moviegoing companion and I see a lot of movies; we’re frequent-flyers at the local cinema - virtually every weekend.

Yes, I know that most movies can be consumed in the comfort of your own home these days, but we prefer the movie theater experience. If you haven’t been to the theater in a while, you should know that you no longer have to arrive at the theater half-an-hour in advance of the movie’s start-time in order to secure prime seats, or arm-wrestle other moviegoers for those prime seats, or drape various articles of clothing over the back of those prime seats in order to “save” them for your friends and family. No, you order tickets ahead of time, reserving specific seats, and these comfortable recliner seats (sometimes heated!) come equipped with movable trays, upon which you can place the massive sodas and popcorn buckets and candy, which, if we’re being honest, are the real attractions in the moviegoing experience.

Many local movie theaters now feature in-house bars, so the days of stuffing a couple of beers in our pockets to enjoy during the movie are behind us. Also, I’ve noticed that our theater appears to offer “concierge service,” in which a helpful movie theater employee delivers popcorn, drinks, and other snacks to you, comfortably ensconced in your movie theater recliner. The obvious question here is, “How lazy are you!” We’ve become accustomed to “drive-thru” this, and “drive-thru” that, and the Amazon-ing of America, to the point that virtually anything can be accomplished without leaving your recliner, whether that recliner is in your car, or your home, or at your movie theater. It almost renders the scene in 1982’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High, in which the stoner character, Jeff Spicoli, played by Sean Penn, has a pizza delivered to him in class at the high school, irrelevant. Almost, I say - that movie is 1980’s movie gold! And, not just because of the gratuitous nudity.

You should know that this is not a “hit-piece.” I have no intention of naming names, which could include the name of the movie, the movie’s director, producer, the “A-list” actor who appears in the movie, or even the “best-boy,” or “key-grip,” the latter two of which are jobs which have existed forever, and which I have never known what they are. No, these people likely have families, and they have to eat, but, boy, how do you inflict this level of unquestionably bad film upon the moviegoing public, who are paying hard-earned money for an entertaining evening out (although it’s not as if they are out dining, or dancing, or shooting skeet, each of which represent a less-sedentary activity than going to the movies).

My moviegoing companion leaned over to me more than once during this evening out, and suggested that we leave. I don’t know about you, but I’m no quitter. No sir, once I’ve embarked upon viewing a movie, or reading a book, or changing an infant’s diaper, I’m generally going to see it through to its conclusion. There was that one time that I gave up on a book, a long time ago - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - and I regret it still. In fairness to me, that book was very similar to this bad movie: incomprehensible and aimless. Plus, last weekend at the movies, there was still popcorn; the Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance reading experience didn’t come with popcorn.

American society makes it too easy to give up on things. Divorce, job-changes, and mashed cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes are prime examples of steps which can be easily taken, in order to turn your back on something - cell-phone service plans, not so much.

Even though I have resolved not to “out” this particular bad movie, there are plenty of random websites which have no compunction about preparing their own lists of the worst movies ever made. I ignored those random websites, and gravitated to imdb.com, a respected site which has assembled a massive database of all things related to movies, which naturally fostered a branch entitled, “Top 50 Worst Movies of All Time (The Ultimate List).” The “Ultimate List?” I’m in, man. I mean, it’s not as strong as the penultimate list, or the quintessential list, but I’m sure it’s still a relatively strong list.

What’s interesting to me about imdb.com’s list is that, attached to each entry is a link to the streaming service where you can view this clinker (I feel it necessary to point out once again that this is a list of the “Top 50 Worst Movies of All Time (The Ultimate List)”). I have to imagine that they’re getting paid for that placement, presumably by the movie’s producer, or the streaming service - only in America, eh?

Depending upon which end is up, the list is led either by a 2008 movie, entitled Meet the Spartans (tagged as #1), which I cannot recall having seen, or Rocky IV (tagged as #50), which I might have seen, but who can remember which one was Rocky IV, or Rocky III, or Rocky XVII (“The Golden Years”). There are some familiar titles sprinkled amongst this list, including:

• Batman & Robin - hmm, I thought all superhero films cleaned up at the box office.

• Fifty Shades of Grey - I knew I should have waited for the book.

• Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers - one of many sequels on this august listing.

• Jack and Jill - imdb.com should have dedicated a separate wing in this category just for Adam Sandler movies.

• Rocky V - I wonder what made this one the 17th worst movie of all time, beating out (or is it losing out to?) its slightly older sibling, Rocky IV (#50)?

• Twilight and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 - these three landed in virtually adjacent spots on the list (#18 and #19 and #21) - I thought those crazy, mixed-up, teenage, vampire kids had a chance to make it.

• Pearl Harbor - I don’t think this one belongs on this list - I mean, I’ve seen a lot of bad movies, and this one is never at the meetings.

• The Love Guru - I’m pretty sure I never saw this Mike Myers-driven movie, but all you have to do is see the movie poster to know that it’s a really bad movie.

So, here’s to bad movies - an erstwhile American tradition, which is bound to endure. And, more importantly, here’s to popcorn, which helps to mitigate the pain of viewing bad movies.

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