Happy Anniversary to Rule of Three!

I hope there's cake.

Please join me in wishing a happy anniversary to the entire Rule of Three staff; they’ve labored tirelessly to produce a weekly humor column for four years now - no small accomplishment in today’s cutthroat publishing environment.

By my count, this column is the 211th consecutive weekly column Rule of Three has published. Here is a reprint of that first column, published August 8, 2020 - I hope that you feel as if we’ve upheld the bedrock principles outlined in that introductory piece, including:

• Rule No. 1 – secure a beverage.

• Rule No. 2 – don’t be a douchebag.

• Rule No. 3 – amuse myself (or, yourself, as the case may be).

Welcome to Rule of Three

The Rule of Three is a writing principle that suggests that a trio of events or characters is more humorous, satisfying, or effective than other numbers.

BILL SOUTHERN

AUG 08, 2020

The definition of the Rule of Three reflected at the top of this column was lifted from Wikipedia.  So, I have no cause to doubt its authenticity.  I have long been a fan of this rule, and have utilized it in developing a set of principles by which I conduct my life.  Simply put, my rules consist of the following:

•    Rule No. 1 – secure a beverage.

•    Rule No. 2 – don’t be a douchebag.

•    Rule No. 3 – amuse myself.

Adhering to these rules has enabled me to live an enjoyable, satisfying life.  Don’t worry, I’m not dying, at least as far as I know.  Therefore, this piece doesn’t represent getting my affairs in order, or providing some sort of deathbed confession.  Rather, launching this column is an attempt to remain true to my principles (that is, I’m sipping an ice-cold, Diet Coke as I write this, and, even though no one else is here with me at the moment, I believe that I am not actively violating Rule No. 2, and, I’m enjoying the exercise itself).  The more challenging question to be answered will be: do you, the reader, find this column to be humorous, satisfying, or effective?

I’m sure you can think of many “threes” which resonate with people.  Think about, “Father, Son, and Holy Ghost”, or “The Three Stooges”, or “The Three Musketeers”, or “Three Little Pigs”, or “Three’s Company” – the list goes on and on.  Which is why I believe the well is unlikely to run dry, as I strive to “hit the three” every time down the court (you see what I did there?  A “three” analogy, lifted from basketball).

My pledge to you is that I will pay heed to the Rule of Three in each column crafted.  Never mind that the connection to the rule might be tenuous, or difficult to detect; adherence to the rule is strictly a judgment call – mine.  As to content, I feel empowered to comment on anything which strikes my fancy (see: Rule No. 3).  A voracious reader, and a longtime employee in the newspaper publishing business, I might provide my reactions to a current news story.  Or, as a family man, I might share impressions of activities in which my children or grandchildren are engaged.  On the other hand, having only been married for thirty-six years, I feel wholly unqualified to offer advice regarding relationships, or on the inner workings of the female mind.  So, if that’s what you’re after, you’ll have to turn your attention elsewhere.

And, naturally, when you encounter a brand-new Rule of Three column, you can choose one of three options:

•   Read it, and admire how humorous, satisfying, and effective it is.

•   Decline to read it, and continue living your joyless, unsatisfying life.

•   Read it, and respond angrily in the comments section, highlighting your objections.

What?  You expected more?  Rule of Three, my friend.

Link to the original column. . .

And, in the grand tradition of events such as Labor Day, a day upon which laborers do not work, the Rule of Three staff is taking the day off, and instead, providing you with an encore presentation of a column published not long after launch, on September 19, 2020. I think you’ll find it a timely re-read, inasmuch as it tackles the issue of securing cake to celebrate an anniversary - enjoy. . .

(Un)Just Desserts

Leveraging wedded bliss for free desserts all over town.

BILL SOUTHERN

SEP 19, 2020

My wife and I, having just celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary, have unwittingly discovered a truly lucrative scam, which can be perpetrated again and again. We celebrated with an anniversary dinner at a delightful seafood restaurant in the North Hills area of Pittsburgh. And, as a gesture of congratulations, this restaurant provided dessert to us, gratis.

A few days later, we found ourselves dining at another local establishment, this one a fine steakhouse. And, for some reason they had the idea that we were there celebrating our anniversary, serving us up with, you guessed it, a free dessert. In my defense, I would like to point out that when the waiter asked us how many years we were celebrating, I responded, “Thirty-six years, and two days,” and indicated that we had already been gifted an anniversary dessert, elsewhere. But, he insisted, and we dutifully complied.

Scientists and researchers have described that point in time at which they gain insight into a critical piece of a puzzle for which they have been painstakingly seeking answers as their “eureka moment” (Bill Murray’s goundskeeper character in, “Caddyshack”, Carl Spackler, would recognize that moment as “total consciousness”, so, “he’s got that going for him. . .which is nice”). This was my “eureka moment”; and, what a sweet moment it was.

At this point, clearly, it was time to develop a business plan for this new venture, one which I believe will be studied by Harvard Business School students for generations to come. I set up the whiteboard (which, I discovered, by the way, doesn’t magically fill itself with creative doodles and flowcharts, as they appear to do in those time-lapse videos you see on YouTube), and began crunching the numbers. In examining the potential market opportunity, three critical questions are typically addressed by business leaders everywhere:

• What is the size of the potential market?

• Is the business scalable?

• Are there any ethical issues regarding launching this product or service, which we should fully research before proceeding? (Ha, ha! Just kidding about this last one - this is a question which is never asked by business leaders; I included it to amuse the Wall Street denizens reading this column). The actual third critical question to be addressed is: What is the expected profit margin to be enjoyed from the sale of this product or service?

A study from a couple of years ago indicates that there were 660,755 restaurants in the United States. Further research indicates that Pittsburgh’s metropolitan population amounted to 2,317,600 people, out of the 328,506,943 people in the United States, roughly 0.7% of the total. Assuming that restaurants operating in the Pittsburgh area reflect an essentially ratable portion of the U.S. total, there are likely more than 4,600 restaurants in the Pittsburgh metro area - that represents a decent-sized market for this business.

But, the true target market is likely smaller than that, because fast-food restaurants should probably be excluded; McDonald’s “Hot Apple Pie” is delightful, but are you willing to brave the stigma of celebrating an anniversary at McDonald’s? And, if you’ve never sampled a pastrami & cheese sandwich, on the whitest bread you’ve ever laid eyes on (complete with coleslaw and fries on the sandwich - it is Pittsburgh, after all), from Primanti Bros., you’re missing out on a truly unique dining experience. But honestly, I don’t think that desserts are their thing. So, let’s agree that the real target market is somewhere north of 1,000 restaurants - still a respectable prospect list.

In assessing the scalability of the business, there do not appear to be geographic restrictions, but let’s face it, traveling to New York City, or San Francisco, in order to secure a free dessert, adds needless cost and complexity, Now, I know what you’re thinking: Can this strategy be extended to garner logical product-line extensions, such as?

• Birthdays - While it is unlikely that a waiter would request a copy of a marriage-license, in support of a claimed anniversary, it is entirely possible that he might ask to see your drivers’ license, in order to verify a birthday. And, the extra step involved in procuring a fake I.D., in support of a supplemental birthday, adds cost, negatively affecting the intended profit margin of the business.

• Arbor Day - Although I heartily endorse the concept of Arbor Day being a dessert-able occasion (I’m surprised that my editor let “dessert-able” slip through the filter, because I’m pretty sure it’s a made-up word; I wonder if he would have been as charitable if I had chosen, say, “dessert-errific”), it is more of a global celebration day, rather than being specific to an individual, and thus more difficult to justify rewarding a specific person, unless, of course, that person’s last name was, “Arbor",” or if he had invented trees.

• Law School graduation - Frankly, I would reject this suggestion out of hand. This is not the type of behavior we want to reward.

Now, on to the bottom-line. What manner of riches await us, as we execute the plan? Well, let’s not kid ourselves; there is a cost associated with garnering that free dessert; let’s call it dinner (those true dessert aficionados call it, “pre-dessert” - I think I may have stolen that term from a recent cartoon published by someone else, so please, no calls or letters - I freely admit it’s not mine).

And, let’s not forget the most significant investment cost inextricably linked to enjoying a free anniversary dessert: marriage! I leave it to you to determine if the ROI on that investment is accretive. In my case, I would have to say, the answer is a resounding, YES! (She’s still there, right? My wife, I mean?).

Link to the original column. . .

We greatly appreciate your readership. Let’s face it, without you, this column would be pretty much the same; nonetheless, we do appreciate your reading, subscribing, liking and commenting - it lets us know that the efforts of the Rule of Three team are not going unnoticed. Thank you.

In order to enjoy a free dessert (you know, by following the instructions contained in the column entitled, "(Un) Just Desserts"), simply type your email address and click the button below to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free, man!