I Ain't No Snitch

But, if a close family member is nominated for appointment to a U.S. Cabinet position, I'll sing like a canary.

The gold standard in familial snitchery (yes, I freely admit that’s not a real word) is unquestionably David Kaczynski, the younger brother of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. David, prompted by his wife (I can’t stress this enough: always listen to your wife), read Ted’s 35,000-word manifesto, which had been published in the Washington Post, recognized Ted’s writing style and subsequently ratted him out to the FBI.

The practice of “omerta,” the code of silence embraced by the Mafia, has also historically been adopted by families, the Catholic Church and Las Vegas (“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”).

Of the three (four, if you include the Mafia), it seems as if Las Vegas is the only one remaining true to its credo.

I am particularly struck by the alarming rate at which close family members have turned on one of their own once one of them has been nominated for appointment to a role in the current U.S. administration’s cabinet.

Indeed, Caroline Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s cousin said that RFK Jr. “. . .lacks any relevant government, financial, management or medical experience” to qualify him to lead the nation’s health agencies, but also indicated that his “personal qualities” pose “even greater concern.” She also reported that cousin Bobby put baby chickens and mice in the blender to feed his hawks. Ouch! All that is gonna’ make for awkward conversations at gatherings in Hyannis Port. I hope he cleaned that thing up before making the margaritas.

And, Pete Hegseth, recently confirmed as the new Secretary of Defense, had to confront his past, in the shape of his mother, who sent an email to her son in 2018 accusing him of mistreating women, pointing out that there are “many” women whom he has “abused in some way,” and encouraging him to “get some help.” Pete’s mother, Penelope, went on to say, “I have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego. You are that man (and have been for years) and as your mother, it pains me and embarrasses me to say that, but it is the sad, sad truth.” Alas, Penelope, we all know truth has absolutely no place in government.

Finally, there is the case of Stephen Miller, who, although technically not a Cabinet appointee, is the current White House deputy chief of staff for policy and United States homeland security advisor. Now, you might believe that the most challenging issue Miller faces is how to shoehorn those lengthy job titles onto a singular business card; no, he encountered friendly fire back in 2018 when he took a lead role in the first Trump administration’s decision to start to separate migrant children from their parents when they crossed the U.S. border. Miller’s uncle, Dr. David S. Glosser, had a piece published in Politico entitled, “Stephen Miller Is an Immigration Hypocrite. I Know Because I'm His Uncle,” in which he detailed the Glosser family's history of coming to the United States from the village of Antopal in present-day Belarus.

First of all, can we all take a moment to appreciate the headline of that piece? That is a strikingly personal headline; there is no attempt whatsoever to genericize (I’m as surprised as you are to learn that “genericize” is a real word - I thought I was making it up) it, in order to make it accessible to a broader audience. And, second. . .I’m sorry, that’s all I got - as you are (hopefully) aware, Rule of Three is determinedly apolitical; its scribblings derive always from its core mission, as elucidated in its three rules: “Secure a beverage;” “Don’t be a douchebag;” and “Amuse yourself.” It is Rule No. 3 which is absolutely the touchstone here: setting aside any political leanings, I am simply amused by the personal attacks on these three administration representatives (assuming that RFK Jr. becomes confirmed) by members of their own family (are you hearing, as I am, sotto voce, “The call is coming from inside the house”)?

Additionally, I believe I would remiss if I were to ignore the objections voiced by President Trump’s close family members regarding his fitness for office. In fact, his niece, Mary Trump, appears to have crafted an entire career based upon her objections, including a couple of books and a podcast, although who among us doesn’t have a podcast (well, Rule of Three does not. . .yet)?

And, there are other political leaders whose close family members I would have liked to have heard from, simply because they’re what journalists call “good copy.” Wouldn’t you have liked to hear what Jimmy Carter’s mother, “Miz Lillian,” or his brother, Billy, would have volunteered about Jimmy to a Congressional panel? Or, how about J.D. Vance’s beloved “Mamaw,” the star of Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy? She would have been a hoot, I bet.

Now, I have no intention of throwing my hat in the ring for a U.S. Cabinet appointment, but if I were to consider such a step, what could we expect to learn from my close family members? Let’s face it, we all have skeletons in our closet (I’m speaking metaphorically regarding most of us; I firmly believe that those who harbor actual skeletons in their closet should be removed from consideration for a U.S. Cabinet post, regardless of who turned them in). At what point do youthful indiscretions cross the line into becoming ethical transgressions, which should arguably prevent your nomination for an important governmental role?

I’ve certainly done things in my life of which I’m not particularly proud; no, I don’t intend to share them with you. And, I don’t think I have 35,000 words in me to rail on about anything, not even people who carry on iPhone conversations loudly in public places, or having to replace tires which were guaranteed to last for 85,000 miles, after logging only about half of those miles or being served lukewarm soup in a restaurant. Plus, the survivalist lifestyle embraced by Ted Kaczynski has no real appeal for me; I’m not very skilled at trapping raccoons, or building rickety wooden shacks or not having a strong wi-fi signal.

Conversely, are there things I know about my close family members that could prove damaging to their own bid for a Cabinet seat? You betcha’! And, no, I don’t intend to share them with you, or Congressional committee members, if the time comes. But, if I were aware that one of them were planting bombs, or blending baby chickens and mice, or abusing women, or attempting to shoehorn lengthy job titles onto a singular business card, I would lean in to the microphone in the hearing room and vehemently argue the case against them. After all, there’s got to be a line.

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