I Made it to Mars Before Elon Did.

. . .Mars, PA, that is.

My wife and I moved recently to a home in Mars, PA, a northern suburb of Pittsburgh. And I daresay that our Mars “mission” was accomplished with a whole lot less time and money and fewer explosions than Elon is currently expending in his efforts to colonize the “Red Planet.”

I’m going to address head-on the question that has formed in your mind: Yes, residents of Mars, Pa are referred to as “Martians.”

Now that we’ve got that issue out of the way, we can press forward with examining the landscape that is Mars.

Wikipedia informs us that Mars is a borough, with a population of 1,458, located in Butler County. The site contains some other gobbledygook, but the key takeaways for me included:

• Mars High School sports teams are known as the “Fightin’ Planets.” (I would have opted for “Red Planets” - a bit more descriptive, I believe).

• Notable Mars citizens have included: Chloe and Christi Lukasiak, former stars on the reality show “Dance Moms,” and Robbie Sigurdsson, an Icelandic hockey player. (Really? These are the guys we’re thumping our chests about?).

• A Kraft salad dressing commercial was filmed in downtown Mars in 2000. (Hmm, I wonder which one: Green Goddess? Or, maybe Thousand Island? Or, dare I suggest it. . .Catalina?).

Man, that is one sad, sad collection of facts compiled regarding my new hometown - keep in mind that these are the most noteworthy items Wikipedia could find about Mars, which was incorporated back in 1895.

Well, I have tasked the Rule of Three Civic Pride Marketing department with identifying additional facts and figures which can be used to promote our fair city, er, borough. Here’s what they came up with:

• There is a flying saucer located in a small park on Mars’ major downtown thoroughfare, Grand Avenue. Note its prime location, just steps away from Mars’ bustling retail district, including a Chinese restaurant and a laundromat.

  

• The headline of a story published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in December, 2023 read, “Residents of a Mars community say wayward livestock are terrorizing the neighborhood.” Below is a picture of said wayward livestock free-ranging in that neighborhood. A homeowner was quoted in the story, saying, “They’re coming up in people’s backyards. They’re defecating everywhere.” Another neighbor was quoted as complaining that, “. . .mowing the grass has also become a nightmare because at any given time there are dozens of piles of cow poop in her yard and the cattle have also been destroying her landscaping in their search for food.” In response, the Assistant Chief of Police indicated that, “. . .the department doesn’t have jurisdiction over agricultural operations, including livestock, the way the agency would be able to respond to a dog that bit a resident.” I agree that dogs biting residents requires attention, but, surely there must be some way to stop cows (and bulls!) from wandering through a residential neighborhood.

  

• Finally, there is the presence in Mars of the classic establishment “Mars Lanes,” which was featured in the 1996 film Kingpin, and which Rule of Three covered extensively in a piece published last year, entitled “Bowling Leagues Forming Now”. . .

Armed with these Mars-centric details, Rule of Three’s Marketing department concocted the following slogan, which could be used to promote the borough’s interests worldwide: “Mars, home to throwback bowling alleys, free-range cattle and a small flying saucer.”

If that doesn’t make you want to visit Mars, I don’t know what will.

But, what of the other Mars? Shouldn’t there be promotional efforts mounted by Elon in his quest to attract travelers to his expeditions?

Naturally, we turned to Wikipedia to gather the necessary facts. From this exploration we discovered that Mars is “. . .a desert-like rocky planet with a tenuous carbon dioxide (CO₂) atmosphere, and that “. . .atmospheric temperature ranges from −153 to 20 °C (−243 to 68 °F) and that it “. . .has insufficient atmospheric pressure to retain water in a liquid form.”

Hmm. . .that is definitely a promotional challenge. How about: “Mars, definitely inhospitable and uninhabitable, but how about that crazy red color, huh?”

As Rule of Three prepares to share its promotional ideas with the Mars, PA Chamber of Commerce, I’m sure Elon will continue his efforts at banging the drum for the other Mars. May the best man win, man!

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