I Scream, You Scream. . .

An exploration of Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor etymology.

July seems like the right time of year to consider ice cream. And, given that it’s been unmercifully hot in. . .well, everywhere in the world, it’s definitely ice cream time.

So, if you like your ice cream not only with mix-in treats, but also with a healthy dose of hippie-infused, social consciousness, the conversation begins and ends with Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont. Also, their ice cream is very tasty.

Ben & Jerry’s appears to be having fun, too. I don’t know who has responsibility at Ben & Jerry’s for naming its flavors, but, whoever it is, I believe this person is a clear adherent of Rule of Three’s critical Rule No. 3 (“Amuse yourself.”)

Some of our favorites (flavor names, not necessarily the ice cream):

• Americone Dream - vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and a caramel swirl - this one features a picture of late night talk show host, Stephen Colbert, and, upon further review is actually labeled, “Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream.” Umm, okay. . .

• Change is Brewing - cold brew coffee ice cream with marshmallow swirls and fudge brownies - I warned you above about social consciousness - this one purports to combat attacks on Americans’ right to vote - but, don’t vote for Change is Brewing - maybe it’s my aversion to marshmallows, but, this doesn’t seem like a winner.

• Cherry Garcia - cherry ice cream with cherries and fudge flakes - even if you weren’t a fan of Grateful Dead (c’mon, Jerry Garcia, right?), this is a delightful ice cream flavor, and according to benjerry.com (curiously missing the “&” in their website name - perhaps ICANN (“Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers”) doesn’t allow for punctuation marks when assigning website names), it is the first ice cream named for a rock legend. But, that’s only because ice cream enthusiasts weren’t ready for the licorice-infused, “Mick Jagger-Meister Ice Cream Shots” flavor Ben & Jerry’s was workshopping.

• Chubby Hubby - vanilla malt ice cream with peanutty fudge covered pretzels with fudge and peanut buttery swirls - now, this one is just plain mean. What if Ben & Jerry’s introduced “Shrew-Driver,” an orange sherbet-flavored treat? That would be wrong, too. Also, “peanutty” is not a real word.

• Chunky Monkey - banana ice cream with fudge chunks & walnuts - I can get behind this one, because, whereas aggrieved husbands represent a formidable voting bloc (thanks, Ben & Jerry’s for encouraging us to vote), the simian community is less likely to rise up in anger, and demand change. . .umm, except for those apes in the Planet of the Apes movies. Come to think of it, monkeys are more likely to push back against insulting tropes than aggrieved husbands. As a flavor endorsement aside, I’m not a fan of bananas, either.

• Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz - Coffee ice cream with espresso bean fudge chunks - guaranteed to keep you awake.

• Everything But The. . . - chocolate and vanilla ice creams with peanut butter cups, fudge-covered toffee pieces, white chocolatey chunks & fudge-covered almonds - what, no Jagermeister?

• Half Baked - chocolate & vanilla ice creams with gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough & fudge brownies - yes, I get the reference to actual baking, but, be honest, Ben & Jerry’s, when developing the name of this ice cream flavor, there might have been the tiniest nod to the weed-smoking community, no? A cousin has also been introduced: Peanut Butter Half Baked - chocolate & peanut butter ice creams mixed with gobs of peanut butter cookie dough & fudge brownies, enabling you to get half-baked with your cousin.

• Lights! Caramel! Action! - vanilla ice cream with salted caramel swirls, graham cracker swirls & gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough - this one features the tag, “Directed by Ava DuVernay,” who is a socially-conscious film and TV producer - aligns nicely with Ben & Jerry’s socially-conscious mission.

• Mint Chocolate Chance - mint ice cream loaded with fudge brownies - apparently inspired by rapper, Chance the Rapper, whose picture is featured on the label, and who loves mint ice cream. Perhaps that creates an avenue to pitch “Cherry White Chocolate Rule of Three” to Ben & Jerry’s, given my fondness for that particular ice cream flavor. Honorable mention: Minter Wonderland - dark chocolate mint ice cream with marshmallow swirls & chocolate cookie swirls, although Ben & Jerry’s missed a celebrity feature opportunity here by not including a picture of Johnny Mathis on the label.

• Netflix & Chill’d - peanut butter ice cream with sweet & salty pretzel swirls & fudge brownies - perhaps this ice cream is intended to provide you with the best option to settle in to your couch, while bingeing Netflix content.

• Oat of This Swirled - buttery brown sugar ice cream with fudge flakes & oatmeal cinnamon cookie swirls - I think this one would get the nod as the most appropriate ice cream to devour for breakfast - it also sounds delicious. And, I dig the name - yes, it’s a little “Dad joke-y” to truly be funny, but I don’t care.

• Phish Food - chocolate ice cream with gooey marshmallow swirls, caramel swirls & fudge fish - Phish, in case you don’t know, is a Vermont-based rock band, formed in the early 1980’s. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this product funds environmental preservation efforts. But, fudge fish? C’mon, man!

• The Tonight Dough, starring Jimmy Fallon - caramel & chocolate ice creams with chocolate cookie swirls & gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough & peanut butter cookie dough - another entry in Ben & Jerry’s lineup of late night talk show host homage ice creams - I suppose the strategy is, once you’ve completed your evening’s Netflix bingeing, and related bingeing of Neflix & Chill’d ice cream, you should transition into viewing your favorite late-night talk show, armed with a pint of either The Tonight Dough, or Americone Dream; this scenario does, of course, beg the question: Where are the “Jimmy Caramel Live!” and “Late Pint with Seth Myers” products?

• Benjerry.com (sans the “&”) also contains a “Flavor Graveyard,” which documents flavors which have been retired. Those that caught our eye in this batch include: Bovinity Divinity, Coconutterly Fair, Economic Crunch, Ethan Almond, Fossil Fuel (complete with fudgy dinosaurs), Oh Pear, Peanuts! Popcorn! Rainforest Crunch, Schweddy Balls (from a classic SNL sketch - Google it), This is Nuts, Urban Jumble, Vermonty Python (a 1970’s BBC comedy classic TV series) and Wavy Gravy (a 1960’s counterculture character).

We here at Rule of Three would like to throw our hat in the ring for the job of vice president, flavor naming, at Ben & Jerry’s, once the incumbent retires. As a demonstration of our skills in this arena, we have developed a few flavors for Ben & Jerry’s to consider:

• “Elmer Fudge Wascally Wabbit Swirl”

• “Taylor Swirl & Travis Kel-Sea Salt Caramel Churn”

• “Caramel-A Harris Election Year Muddle”

Are you a fan of Ben & Jerry’s? Perhaps you have your own ideas regarding flavor names - please share them in the comments section below - if they’re any good, we won’t pass them along to Ben & Jerry’s, because Rule of Three is quite competitive, and we would elbow our own grandmother out of the way in our quest to become Ben & Jerry’s next vice president, flavor naming.

I know, reading this column has spurred a craving for ice cream. Go ahead, crack open a pint, and have at it. It’s a shame that “Cherry White Chocolate Rule of Three” has not yet been launched - look for it soon in the frozen treats aisle of your local grocery store.

Nana, we were just kidding about elbowing you out of the way - we know you're already a subscriber, but, there are other Rule of Three readers who have yet to subscribe - all they have to do now to subscribe to Rule of Three is to simply click the button below - it's free, man!