Ink-Stained Wretch No More

No more bags in the driveway; no more ink fingerprints all over the house.

I recently completed a thirty-five year professional assignment in the newspaper publishing business. My journey encompassed a number of U.S. markets, each of them, with the exception of a brief sojourn to El Paso, Texas, located east of the Mississippi River. This story can be most effectively shared by use of Rule of Three’s favorite storytelling device: iambic pentameter. Just kidding - Rule of Three, as you know, is quite fond of the “rule of three,” which, according to Wikipedia, suggests that, “. . .a trio of entities such as examples, events, or characters is more satisfying, effective, or humorous than other numbers, hence also more memorable, because it combines both brevity and rhythm with the smallest amount of information needed to create a pattern." With those marching orders firmly in place, let’s jump in.

My career path included stints with large metro daily newspapers; groups of suburban weekly newspapers; and a posting in a relatively rural setting, including offices housed in a former barn (in which we were advised by signs posted near sinks not to drink the water, due to excessive levels of arsenic - wait, what?)

My employers included large public corporations; smaller, privately-held organizations; and family-owned companies, which used to own many newspapers across the country. I was fortunate to have worked in organizations managed by visionary leaders; I also endured leadership by nefarious, corporate profit-mongers (Ed. note: “Mongers” by themselves are not necessarily bad - as an example, those who sell fish are sometimes referred to as fishmongers, cheese purveyors might be known as cheesemongers and an ironmonger is one who supplies iron goods - granted, these titles were more common in 19th-century England, but, still. . .Nowadays, you’re more likely to find “monger” attached to such things as: war, rumor, whore, and fear - each of these terms is decidedly more negative. In order to dispense with any confusion on the part of readers, understand that deployment of the word “monger” in this column is intended to express contempt. Also, seeking improved profit is not a bad thing, but when such efforts involve “mongering,” the businessperson in question has clearly violated Rule No. 2 (you know, the one that says, “Don’t be a douchebag.”); and those in-between, which captures the uninspiring, indifferent or incompetent managers. In fairness, I don’t believe that this lineup of leaders is unique to the newspaper business; as you reflect upon your own professional experiences, you might readily identify these archetypes in your business as well.

Relationships with former colleagues have yielded lasting friendship in some cases; the end of interactions with others (they were “work” friends, much like “school” friends from our childhood days, and the friendships didn’t translate to life outside work, or school); and, quickly shedding relationships with the Machiavellian characters with whom you wouldn’t have otherwise connected, except that you were colleagues for a while. Similarly, I think these types can be found in virtually every business operating today, including the halls of government; the mob; and religious orders.

The newspaper publishing business has been described at times as a “three-legged stool,” inasmuch as the cornerstone of the business historically has been its: professional journalism; advertising sales support; and circulation efforts (now more commonly known as “audience development.”)

You’ll notice that there is not a fourth leg in the lineup for the financial management function, the role in which I performed for thirty-five years. And yet, I consider myself to be an “ink-stained wretch,” a term which was coined by either Samuel Johnson, an 18th-century poet or 20th-century Canadian novelist Hugh Garner (what’s 200 years, among friends?)

I freely admit that, during those thirty-five years, I had zero articles or columns published in a newspaper, nor did I sell a single advertisement, nor did I sell a subscription or deliver a newspaper to anyone. In spite of that track record, I nonetheless felt a part of the team - the newspaper business has been unique in that regard - I was absolutely an ink-stained wretch.

And, I did volunteer to provide facility tours for schoolchildren for one of my employers, which included a visit to the pressroom, where the ink smell was quite powerful. The first tour I conducted ended with a session in which the kids attempted to construct a “pressman’s hat,” a boxlike hat expertly created by longtime printing press operators, made from newspapers. That task added about an hour to the tour commitment; having learned a valuable lesson that day, subsequent tours ended with the gift of a newspaper and printed instructions regarding how to craft a pressman’s hat in the comfort of your own home. . .

I dare say most of my journalist colleagues never set foot in the pressroom - perhaps that makes me more of an ink-stained wretch than they were. By the way, are you glad I didn’t use the shorthand “Journos” to describe journalists? I’m similarly chagrined by headline writers using “Stenos,” “Mafiosos” and “Gitmo” in order to save space (yes, I recognize that “Gitmo” is not a profession, but rather is a notorious detention facility in Cuba - the abbreviation still bugs me.) Let’s restrict our gratuitous use of the letter “o” to the grocery store aisles: Cheerios, SpaghettiO’s and Oreos.

One of the first things I always did when I arrived at a new newspaper operation in a new city was to subscribe to my employer’s newspaper - gotta’ support the team, you know? Having completed my thirty-five year assignment, I took the opportunity to scale back my subscriptions to digital delivery only - no more printed newspapers. I maintain a digital subscription to The New York Times and also have a digital subscription to a local daily newspaper. That distinction means that I am no longer an ink-stained wretch, per a separate definition, one that delights my wife, who had long ago grown tired of cleaning up ink stains affixed to every surface in our house. Also, no more trips to the driveway to retrieve the plastic bag-encased newspaper, sometimes a sodden mess, given heavy rain and a painfully-thin plastic bag.

If you find yourself in Pittsburgh, please stop by the Rule of Three offices for a tour. As indicated above, we scrupulously maintain an ink-free environment, and the souvenir hats provided at the end of the tour require no additional assembly. . .

Subscribing now to Rule of Three will not turn you into an ink-stained wretch - it's entirely digital.  Simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).