Killer Cereals

Cereal comes in all shapes and sizes and tastes.

I have a confession to make. No, not that type of confession. Reread the headline of this column: it’s “Killer Cereals,” not “Serial Killers.”

No, I must confess that I sometimes eat cereal for dinner. There, I said it. That’s Step One, out of the way; only eleven more to go. Breakfast for dinner is a timeless change of pace for many. Usually, that means pancakes, or waffles or lox & bagels - well, maybe not lox & bagels - for some reason, that delightful pairing, complete with cream cheese, capers, onions and tomatoes simply belongs to the breakfast genre.

But, cereal.

What makes a “killer cereal?” In my opinion, a true, world-class cereal should have something that sets it apart from its many competitors in the cereal aisle at the local grocery store.

In most cases, it isn’t the taste of the cereal. Most cereals perfunctorily perform their role of providing grains, crunch and, after the cereal basks in milk for awhile, utter sogginess. Also, in the case of the heavily-sugared cereals targeted at children, a sugar rush is delivered.

No, what distinguishes one cereal from another is product positioning, and brand development and promotion; in a word: marketing. Perhaps the same could be said of clothing, and sneakers and politicians - i.e. there’s no real difference between the products, except for what the marketing campaign convinces consumers to believe.

And you thought this column was merely going to be a light, airy, disposable piece regarding the relative merits of various cereals. You didn’t anticipate the subtle nudge to consider the broad implications of the impact of marketing in our everyday lives, did you? Well, if you are a dedicated reader of Rule of Three, you should know by now that we are a complex, inquisitive entity, dedicated to sparking lively debate, including reasoned, thoughtful discussion of critical issues. . .except when we become distracted by something trite and meaningless (Oh, look, a squirrel!), as in this recent column. . .

Anyway, back to the light, airy, disposable topic of the relative merits of various cereals.

Wheaties, which for nearly a hundred years has touted itself as the “Breakfast of Champions,” has staked its claim as a league-leader. You’re no doubt familiar with their practice of featuring famous athletes on their cereal box, a practice begun in 1934, on the sides and backs of the boxes - they moved them to the front of the box beginning in 1958 - there have been hundreds of athletes and teams featured over the years; Michael Jordan has appeared eighteen different times. Other notable honorees have included: Pete Rose; Caitlyn Jenner (as “Bruce Jenner”); and Jerry Sandusky (yes, that guy from Penn State) - curiously, they missed the boat on O.J. Simpson.

And, there’s Cheerios (introduced in 1941 as “Cheerioats”), which has positioned itself as a “Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal;” that’s certainly descriptive, but hardly inspiring as a marketing theme. I had to search for marketing slogans, visiting namesflix.com which published an article in late 2023 entitled, “715+ Best Cheerios Slogans, Sayings And Taglines Ideas” (wait, are there 715 slogans, or 716, or 717 or more than that?). As I perused the list, I didn’t stumble across a single one I recognized, and, as we’ve established pretty firmly, I have watched a lot of television (including commercials) in my sixty-five years. Some of the slogans reflected on that site included: “Adding a Pinch of Silliness to Your Bowl;” and “Savor the Artistry;” and “Crunching Joy, Morning Ploy.” Wait, what? Were these slogans generated by A.I.? I can guarantee that all 715+ slogans were untouched by human, marketing hands.

Raisin Bran is another iconic cereal brand, promising “. . .two scoops of raisins in every box.” Upon searching for “two scoops of raisins” in the Yahoo search engine (What can I say? Nothing against Google, but I’ve always been a Yahoo search guy), of the seven options which surface on the first page of results, five of them reflect articles challenging the premise that there are actually two scoops of raisins in a box of Raisin Bran, no doubt describing in painstaking detail the forensic procedures performed on a box of Raisin Bran, all in an effort to debunk the claim of “two scoops of raisins”; the other two search results included a Youtube link to Raisin Bran TV commercials in the 1980’s containing that jingle, and a link to Kellogg’s website (the maker of Raisin Bran). All I can say is, “The internet has way too much time on its hands.”

I’m as surprised as Mikey’s two brothers are to discover that Mikey likes Life cereal, because, let’s face it, Life cereal could be more appropriately named “Lifeless” cereal - no distinguishing marks whatsoever. But, the advertising campaign was certainly memorable.

Grape-Nuts is a mundane cereal which contains neither grapes nor nuts. I don’t remember this, but, apparently a well-used promotional tagline for this cereal, which debuted in the 1890’s was “Makes Red Blood!” I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. I do recall Grape-Nuts enlisting noted outdoorsman and health food advocate, Euell Gibbons, to ask, in their commercials in the 1970’s, “Ever eat a pine tree? Many parts are edible.” That was the quaint manner in which cereal producers marketed cereal in the 1970’s. As a reminder, the 1970’s also brought us: Pet Rocks, Disco music and Leisure Suits.

Chex might pretend to be a cereal, featuring rice, wheat and corn varieties, in addition to newer, sugar-infused options, but honestly, it’s better known as the key ingredient in Chex Mix, a tasty snack food. I remember my mother making homemade Chex Mix in the 1960’s (Chex Mix was first produced commercially in 1985) - recipe books of that time featured this concoction, but it took General Mills a long time to capitalize commercially. As a reminder, the 1960’s also brought us: Bellbottom pants, Tie-Dye shirts and Go-Go boots.

Prominently featured on the box of Corn Flakes is a rooster, dubbed Cornelius the Rooster, by Kellogg’s. Why a rooster, you might ask? Well, Kellogg’s had noticed the emergence of cartoon mascots as a strategy to market sugar-laced cereals to children, and felt the need to join that arms race, and a rooster crows in the morning, and morning is when cereal is eaten for breakfast, and so. . . I think we can all agree that Cornelius the Rooster is one of the weaker cereal mascot combatants.

Speaking of cereal mascots, and slogans, some of the more memorable of these include: Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes) - “They’re Grrreat!”; Toucan Sam (Froot Loops) - “Follow your nose! It always knows!”; Snap, Crackle & Pop (Rice Krispies) - “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”; Lucky the Leprechaun (Lucky Charms) - “They’re magically delicious!”; Cap’N Crunch (Cap’N Crunch) - “It’s got corn for crunch, oats for punch, and it stays crunchy, even in milk” - not as pithy as the others, particularly for a seafaring type; Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs) - “I go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”; Trix the Rabbit (Trix) - “Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!”; and Dig’Em Frog (Honey Smacks) - “A breakfast cereal you can dig” - that slogan is very 1970’s, which makes sense, because that cereal debuted in 1972.

Rule of Three is happy to have better prepared you for a trip to the cereal aisle in your local grocery store. Just be on the lookout for those killer cereals!

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