Nice Work If You Can Get It

If you're looking to make a career change, here are some jobs you probably didn't even know existed.

Sure, many of us spend our days working in what might be termed conventional jobs. But, if you find yourself daydreaming about a career which appears to be more interesting and personally fulfilling than what what you’re doing now, Rule of Three has researched options for you, most of which you likely didn’t even know existed. Call it: “Rule of Three’s “Wait, what? That’s a real job?” These alternative career paths include:

• Snake Milker - it’s true - snakes do not produce milk, but they do possess venom. So, Snake Milker is a bit of a misnomer, but, apparently the job is to collect venom from snakes, in order that testing can be performed, with the goal being to develop antidotes to poisonous snake bites. No empirical evidence exists to determine whether venom is available in skim, 2% or chocolate versions. Also, Indiana Jones is unlikely to apply for this job.

• Pet Psychologist - has Fido (dog) lost interest in chasing the ball? Fluffy (bunny) isn’t as prolific in the procreation department as he once was? Does Lucy (cat) simply want to sleep all day on the couch (bad example - that’s what cats are hard-wired to do)? Well, the obvious solution to these serious mental health concerns is to call in a professional, in order that they can stroke their beards, while scribbling notes on a legal pad, the pet reclining on the couch (except for the cat who is curled up in a ball on the couch, sound asleep of course), asking, “How did that make you feel?” and “What do you think that means?” and “Would you stop licking yourself for one second, for Chrissake!” “Well, I see our time is up - I’ll see you next Thursday.”

• Dog Food Taster - is it just me, or does anyone else find it strange that this list of unusual jobs (culled from an article posted on careeraddict.com) appears to lean heavily on pet-related jobs? As strange as this job might seem, there are purportedly ninety million pet dogs in the United States (a number easily verified by data gathered by my Ring doorbell - no, it hasn’t logged 90 million dogs passing by on the sidewalk each day, but, it’s a number greater than the number of medals the U.S. contingent will lug home from the Paris Olympics) - a not-insignificant niche market. Also, ewwww. . .

• Odor Sniffer - finally, a job not directly linked to pets! These dedicated professionals are apparently employed by product manufacturers and are tasked with smelling perfumes, deodorants and food products, in order to “explore scents” - yeah, I’m not sure what that means, either. Rule of Three’s legal team insists that we provide you with additional information, which may or may not be relevant to you, before you apply on Indeed.com for the many postings for professional odor sniffers; to wit: odor sniffers do not necessarily spend all of their time “exploring” pleasant “scents” - sometimes they are called upon to sniff armpits and to immerse themselves in smells emanating from farts. There, you can’t say we haven’t warned you.

• Professional Cuddler - this job entails exactly what the name implies - someone who is hired to come to your house to cuddle with you. Funny, I thought there was another name for that job - you know, the job performed by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

• Movie Watcher - some content providers, such as Netflix, apparently pay people to watch movies, and to provide feedback. This one, more than any listed in this column thus far, embodies the spirit of the moniker attached to this exercise: “Rule of Three’s “Wait, what? That’s a real job?” At least Siskel & Ebert had each other; they didn’t need to hire a professional cuddler, while they conducted their research.

• Professional Mourner - are you picturing Will Ferrell, in the cemetery scene in the movie, Wedding Crashers? No, me neither.

• Professional Bridesmaid - this one might be termed, “Rent-a-Friend,” as the job description includes: helping the bride pick that perfect wedding dress, arranging the bachelorette party, creating a wedding registry and managing all the details associated with the venue and various vendors providing goods and services on the big day. The best-known wedding toast is the “Best Man’s Toast,” in which the best man recounts the many drunken adventures in which he and the groom have participated over the years, but I think I’ve also heard many “Bridesmaid’s Toasts” as well. This particular toast might unfold as follows: “I’ll never forget when I first met Marcie - she responded to my Facebook ad, and after she paid my $2,500 fee, we spent many hours together making this dream, which she and I (well, mostly her) have had since we were little girls, come true. I have to imagine that Marcie probably had some good times with her family and friends growing up (I don’t really know, because I wasn’t there), and enjoyed her college experience (it never really came up in conversation, because, you know, I was on the clock, and had a job to do) and looks forward to “doing life” with Bruce (I didn’t meet Bruce until just before the ceremony today - he seems like kind of a doofus - and, I advised Marcie not to trot out the tired, old cliche, “doing life” bit, but, she insisted, and, what the hell, she’s the client, right?).

• Dog Surfing Instructor - another senseless, dog-related job. I imagine that the certificate issued to the Pet Psychologist, who has completed all the necessary requirements to become a Pet Psychologist also covers the professional qualifications needed to teach dogs to surf - likely transferable skills, you know.

• Face Feeler - this is another job in which the job description is built-in. Face feelers are paid to feel the faces of other people, right after they have used specific skin products, such as soaps, lotions and razors; I wonder if the people attached to those faces being felt are also being compensated for their involvement - perhaps these are the elusive “Felt Facers,” about whom we have never heard a word.

• Professional Queuers - I believe this is the English version of the job title; Professional Line Stander is the Americanized version. Careeraddict.com indicates that these professionals earn their keep by standing in line at the bank or the post office. My only reaction to that suggestion is, “What friggin’ bank are you working with at which you must stand in line for more than thirty seconds? And, why are you even entering a bank to begin with? You know that all your banking needs can be managed on your phone, right? As for the post office, yes, if you’re attempting to mail Christmas presents to your grandchildren on Christmas Eve, there might be a bit of a line then, but, three hundred sixty-four days a year, lines at the post office are simply not an issue.” My advice to all aspiring Professional Queuers: Perhaps you might wish to consider a career in the Pet Psychology/Dog Surfing Instruction space.

• Fortune Cookie Writer - I never really thought about it, but I suppose it makes sense - someone actually writes those inscrutable bits of wisdom stuffed into fortune cookies. There might be an opportunity to create a separate Rule of Three company division dedicated to this business segment - we’re often told that our columns are nebulous, puzzling and difficult to comprehend - those qualities would align quite nicely with this business.

• Human Statue - now, those guys dressed like the Statue of Liberty at Times Square are clearly freelancers. It’s difficult for me to imagine for what occasion I would have a need to hire a human statue, but, there might be an opportunity to fill the gap created when men’s valet butler stands fell out of favor.

• Golf Ball Diver - now, this job sounds like a great job. . .except for the diving in nasty, dirty golf course ponds, and the potential of being hit by flying golf balls and the threat of alligators.

• Ice Rink Hand Holder - akin to the Professional Cuddler, but outdoors and on skates.

• Fake Wedding Guest - this one threw me - it wasn’t entirely clear to me if someone is being paid to attend a wedding, in order to pad the attendee rolls (which, given that there is typically a per-person charge for weddings, I’m not sure why you’d want to drive the cost of a wedding up - perhaps it’s intended as a stroke for those to whom crowd size is important), or, and I’m much more amused by this interpretation, guests are paid to come to a faux wedding, which isn’t actually real.

• Professional Sleeper - that’s right, mattress manufacturers and hotels hire people to test the comfort of their mattresses and room conditions/environment for sleeping, respectively. I’ve participated in sleep studies, but the only compensation I’ve ever received has been an intrusive machine with a hose attached, guaranteed to cause me to lose sleep.

• Water Slide Tester - geez! Couple this with a side-hustle as an ice-cream taster and a videogame player job, and you’d have twelve-year-olds lining up to start today!

• Chief Listening Officer - of all the jobs on the list, this one sounds the most like a real job. The CLO is typically housed in a company’s marketing department, and is charged with monitoring chatter about the company on social media, and providing intelligence gathered to senior executives, who can then troll social media users, and disparage them mercilessly online and rant endlessly online, in all CAP’s. . .er, I mean they can respond respectfully to customer feedback and tailor customer service activities to better respond to customer concerns.

Well, that’s Rule of Three’s insight into escaping the nine-to-five grind. Perhaps you have suggestions of your own for alternative career lifestyles - if so, please feel free to share them in the comments section below, and we’ll update our resume right away to reflect the appropriate skills, and start applying left and right.

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