Reverse-Engineering of Band Names

That would be a great name for 'fill in the blank.'

In its younger, more immature days, Rule of Three often amused itself by suggesting that an everyday phrase, or unusual combination of words or something patently absurd “. . .would be a great name for a band.” We were so committed to this conceit that we published an entire column devoted to the topic. . .

We’d like to think that we’ve grown as a column, and no longer find it necessary to engage in such sophomoric, disposable antics; we’d like to think that, but recent evidence suggests otherwise: our most recent three weekly columns addressed: product placement; failure; and, collectibles, and were rife with sophomoric, disposable antics - that is apparently central to our brand.

In an attempt to turn that device on its head, we turned to Rule of Three’s “Reverse Engineering” department (the department head of which earned a B.S. degree in Reverse Engineering, a very different academic discipline than Engineering, I assure you). The Reverse Engineering team spends its time disassembling things, and then attempting to put them back together, often with some parts left over.

With its attention directed at band names, the team has compiled the following research materials, beginning with the names of well-known bands:

• Chicago - “That would be a great name for a large, Midwestern city, featuring a lovely lakefront setting, and streets laid out in an easily-understood grid pattern, and which boasts mouth-watering cuisine, including ribs, hot dogs and deep-dish pizza, and which is home to a much-beloved Major League Baseball team, which has spent most of its long history losing (and, which also has another team, based on the South Side); that city also experienced an historic fire, which may, or may not have involved a cow, and executed an unprecedented engineering feat (not reverse engineering, mind you), resulting in reversing the flow of its eponymous river away from the lovely lake, southward, towards the Mississippi River.” The band was initially called, “Chicago Transit Authority,” which “would be a great name for a large, Midwestern city’s transit system, consisting of buses, subway trains and elevated trains, whose conductors loudly announce upcoming stops, in garbled tones not recognizable as words contained in the English language, and which sound much like, ‘mmghrggh nnugh cherzbghiumg dlgivrkdlerg.’

• Eagles - “That would be a great name for a majestic bird, and also a symbol of a great nation, founded on the principles of freedom and democracy.”

• Led Zeppelin - “That would be a great name for a rigid airship, developed in the 1890’s, and used extensively by Germany during World War I, although Germany didn’t use the prefix, “Led,” or “Lead,” as that would have implied a failing zeppelin.”

• The Doors - “That would be a great name for a flat, hinged, or otherwise moveable barrier which would allow for ingress into and egress from an enclosure; it also provides a place for visitors to knock, seeking to be invited in to a home.”

• The Beach Boys - “That would be a great name for a group of young men who spend their days lolling on a beach, drinking beer, engaging in horseplay with each other and ogling girls.”

• U2 - “That would be a great name for a single-engine, high altitude reconnaissance airplane, used extensively during the Cold War.” (Do you note how many popular band names are connected directly to aircraft? And, we haven’t even mentioned Jefferson Starship (nee “Jefferson Airplane”).

• Cream - “That would be a great name for a dairy product typically used as an added ingredient in coffee, or used to make ice cream, or whipped to create a dessert topping.”

• The Velvet Underground - “That would be a great name for a retail establishment, based in a basement location, which specializes in selling elegant evening wear.”

• The Kinks - “That would be a great name for a group of S&M enthusiasts, or, alternatively, for a chiropractic practice.”

• Nirvana - “That would be a great name for a desired, blissful state of being, in which one’s cares are cast aside entirely.”

• The Police - “That would be a great name for a security force formed with the intention of keeping the peace in a community.”

• Deep Purple - “That would be a great name for a striking color, sometimes associated with grapes, lavender and eggplant.”

• The Clash - “That would be a great name for an epic battle between two warring armies, or two boxers or two contestants on Match Game.”

• AC/DC - “That would be a great name for two alternative electrical current power sources.”

• Steely Dan - c’mon, you thought we would publish a column regarding rock bands, and not include Steely Dan - you know us better than that. “That would be a great name for a sex toy featured in William S. Burroughs’ 1959 novel, Naked Lunch.”

• Meat Loaf - “That would be a great name for a tasty dish on the menu at a run-down diner, accompanied by peas and mashed potatoes, served by a wise-cracking, gum-chewing waitress named Flo.”

• Pink Floyd - “That would be a great name for an effeminate barber character on a 1960’s sitcom, set in a small town in North Carolina.”

• The Bee Gee’s - “That would be a great name for a run-down diner, with a menu featuring a meatloaf dish, accompanied by peas and mashed potatoes, served by a wise-cracking, gum-chewing waitress named Flo (“Bee Gee’s” is an abbreviation for “Best Grub”).”

• ABBA - “That would be a great name for the catchphrase of a magician with a speech impediment, leading to a tendency to drop his “R’s,” when unfurling his cape, and making the bunny disappear.”

• Genesis - “That would be a great name for an early book in the Bible, in which creationism is first detailed.”

• The Mamas and the Papas - “That would be a great name for a Lamaze group, or a school PTA group.”

• Guns ‘N Roses - “That would be a great name for a florist who also dabbled in the sale of illegal arms in the back of the store.”

• Yes - “That would be a great name for an affirmative action lobbyist group.”

• Talking Heads - “That would be a great name for a prime-time TV political talk show, with a recurring panel of television personalities, likely broadcast by CNN.”

• Nine Inch Nails - c’mon, this one’s too easy. . .“That would be a great name for a nail salon, catering specifically to theatrically-long nails.”

• Coldplay - “That would be a great name for an improvisational comedy troupe, whose stage show was generated by audience suggestions provided at the beginning of each evening’s performance.”

• Red Hot Chili Peppers - “That would be a great name for a vegetable designed to provide heat to dinner offerings.”

• Blue Oyster Cult - “That would be a great name for a group of fisherman who misguidedly sought unusually-tinted oysters, believing that they would be meatier and tastier than the typical, run-of-the-mill oysters harvested by all other fisherman.”

While the Reverse Engineering Team was focused on this task, we tossed them an additional challenge, as a bit of a study-break: Reverse-engineer Rule of Three. Here is what they delivered: “That would be a great name for a writing principle that suggests that a trio of entities such as events or characters is more humorous, satisfying, or effective than other numbers.” They nailed it!

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