The Senior Tour

Golf's got one; shouldn't there be senior tours for other sports. . .and other pastimes?

The players who qualify to play in golf tournaments on the PGA Tour Champions (formerly known as the Senior PGA Tour) are afforded several accommodations as they compete which are not available to those golfers who play in PGA Tour events, including teeing off from the senior tees (duh!), which are closer to the green than the tees utilized by the PGA Tour, and allowing senior golfers to ride in golf carts during tournaments, which PGA Tour golfers are not allowed to use. Some Senior events also feature three rounds of golf rather than the four completed by PGA Tour players. These old guys (all must be over the age of 50) get tired and need to relax, apparently.

By the way, “Champions?” I speak fluent euphemism, so I know what that term intends to mask: “Old Guys.” Other stand-ins for “Old Guys” include: “Seasoned”; “Distinguished”; and “Classic.” And don’t get me started on “Prosperous” - that simply means “fat.”

Perhaps golf’s senior circuit should rebrand itself as the “O.G. PGA Tour.” No, “O.G. doesn’t stand for Old Guy; it’s “Original Gangster” - don’t you pay attention to pop culture?

A hallmark of any Senior Tour organization must be alleviating the harsher challenges of the endeavor, in a nod to the decreased physical and mental faculties possessed by O.G.’s (in this case I mean “Old Guys” - c’mon, try and keep up).

An obvious application of the Senior Tour strategy would be in Major League Baseball (MLB); Old-Timers games are appealing to fans. But, I think demanding that these guys compete in 162 ballgames each year would be problematic - I believe the appropriate number to be half that - call it 81 games. After all, the comedy-focused Savannah Bananas played 88 games in their 2025 season - one of the players on stilts, as detailed in a Rule of Three column published last fall. . .

. . .not as significant a limiting factor as advanced age (seasoned!), but a challenge nonetheless.

Similarly, ballpark dimensions should be adjusted for the diminished skills and agility of senior ballplayers. The average distance from home plate to MLB outfield walls in left field and right field is roughly 330 feet; a distance of 200 feet might be reasonable for the Senior Tour. Perhaps the pitchers mound could be located 45 feet from home plate, rather than the 60 feet, 6 inches in place for MLB games. And the distance between each of the four bases (including home plate) could be established at 75 feet, rather than the 90 feet MLB players must traverse. These accommodations would enable Senior Tour players to perform admirably. Dugouts could remain intact, although equipping them with LaZBoy recliners might be a nice touch.

The Senior Tour could extend to Olympic sports as well. The 100-meter sprint could be trimmed to a more manageable 80 meters. And the decathlon would need to be truncated to an “octathlon.” The only question up for debate is which two events should be jettisoned; I would suggest losing the javelin throw and the discus throw, because, let’s face it, with old guys (distinguished gentlemen!), errant throws are a distinct possibility, which could result in severe bodily harm to unsuspecting onlookers.

And, how about mixed martial arts (MMA) matches, such as those bouts promoted by the likes of the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) organization? Rule of Three’s Event Reimagining department assessed the opportunity and indicated, “MMA matches can easily be extended to Senior Tour events, as is - no notes. We believe everybody would enjoy watching old guys beat the crap out of each other.” Perhaps this is an undercard opportunity for the planned UFC event on the White House lawn this summer.

Youthful exuberance is prized when it comes to musical performances. But, what if a Senior Tour could be mounted? Imagine the possibilities! You could see the likes of the Rolling Stones, Willie Nelson and Paul McCartney live in concert. Oh right, that already exists. Never mind.

Very few fashion models continue beyond the age of forty. There should be a Senior Tour for fashion models, in order to minimize the unemployment rate in this important business sector. Shorter fashion runways could be installed, acknowledging the difficulty of strutting haughtily while dressed in high heels and little else at an advanced age (classic!). And, speaking of being dressed in “little else,” the Senior Tour could feature expansive outfits such as muumuus, A-line dresses and long cardigans. In fact, as this Senior Tour is established, a founding principle must definitively exclude the use of lingerie, miniskirts and sheer fabrics in any and all collections - that point is nonnegotiable.

Selfishly, Rule of Three wonders (aloud!) what Senior Tour opportunities exist for a (potentially) award-winning weekly humor columnist. Of course, in order to provide for an effective environment in which to excel, certain accommodations must be proffered. I’m just spitballing here, but those elements might include: a comfy desk chair; an ergonomic keyboard; a limitless stream of amusing content ideas; and an immediate influx of thousands of subscribers. If O.G. golfers can enjoy a leveled playing field, so can I.

Welcome to the Rule of Three readers Senior Tour!  The most meaningful accommodation provided to you is the opportunity to subscribe: simply type your email address below to subscribe - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, needlessly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).