This Could Have Been Handled by Email

Studies have shown that 92% of corporate meetings are completely unnecessary.

Having just concluded a productive round of meetings with the Rule of Three corporate staff, I reflected on the importance of such meetings not only to our organization, but also to other worldwide, corporate behemoths.

Our organization has experienced rapid growth during its nearly five years of existence, and requires the constant vigilance of our staff of fourteen (pictured above) to ensure that its weekly production cycle is not disrupted, even in the face of supply-chain challenges, tariff uncertainty and the occasional accidental spillage of a chocolate milkshake. Given Rule of Three’s commitment to work/life balance, the far-flung geographic nature of its workforce and its limited financial ability to secure reasonable office space, it has embraced the work-from-home philosophy with regard to its employees.

It is for this reason that the biannual set of corporate staff meetings is critical to the continued success of the organization. Sure, a lot of collaboration can be accomplished via Zoom calls, email exchanges and day-drinking, but gathering physically on occasion is vital to supporting Rule of Three’s mission, which, as you recall, can best be summarized by the following precepts:

1. Secure a beverage

2. Don’t be a douchebag

3. Amuse yourself

I’m pleased to report that the team appears to be adhering to these principles (at least 63% of the time) and does its best to encourage like behavior in its customer base.

Much time was spent during these meetings discussing such key business issues as: strategic direction, competitive response and which staffer would be empowered to press the elevator button when traveling to the hotel pool. I’m quite certain that other multinational companies grapple with similar issues, and aim to solve them during their own set of corporate staff meetings.

A significant operating issue these days is the recruitment and retention of intelligent, well-trained, motivated employees. Rule of Three has developed strategies designed to attract and retain a strong workforce, including: offering a relaxed, business-casual dress code (see above), providing perks such as company-branded tote bags (also see above) and a remarkable disregard for local child labor laws (again, see above). We draw the line at providing dental coverage, however - we must preserve the bottom line. Our latest hire, Calvin, shows great promise; we are considering appointing him Director of Customer Service - his personal mantra appears to be: “Service with a smile.”

And, although we are justifiably proud of our operating effectiveness, nobody’s perfect: Rule of Three’s Human Resources department is in the process of developing policies intended to combat employee fraternization and nepotism, which have been allowed to run rampant throughout the organization.

But, back to the topic at hand, or at least the one mischievously alluded to in the headline of this column: corporate meetings. Our advice: don’t have them, they’re an incredible waste of time. Or, if you must have them, schedule them on a biannual basis; that way, you’ll forget what an incredible waste of time they are.

In the rounds of corporate meetings just concluded, Rule of Three management determined that growing our subscriber base is imperative.  How can you help?  Simply type your email address below - it's free, man!  Unless you choose to join Rule of Three in its extremely modest (and, overly complicated) effort to make a difference, by supporting the nonprofit organization of your choice (Note: After completing your subscription, please email us at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, indicating the name of the organization to which you wish to contribute, and a website address for them).